Bigger Fatter Politics is a fact based news source for all things fat and political. We present news and presidential politics from a fat centric and food centric perspective.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Belly Boy For President
Our favorite son Belly Boy is being drafted to run for President of the United States of America. For those of you who don't think that Belly Boy is presidential timber consider the fact that our two greatest presidents, William Howard Taft and William Jefferson Clinton. Based on poundage alone Belly Boy will without a doubt me the greatest president ever.
William Howard Taft
More to follow as facts emerge.
Introducing Belly Boy's Platform
OUR NEXT PRESIDENT BELLY BOY (WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
This is a draft of Belly Boy's speech he will be giving at the NAFAM convention.
In these days of government cutbacks, it seems irresponsible to add newfangled procedures that are not necessarily in everyone's best interests. First off, these are old people who are on Medicare, generally. If you're old and fat, congratulations, you won! You beat out the early heart disease deaths, and if you have diabetes you've overcome that too.
What we do not need to do as a society is engage in cannibalistic behavior such as pannus removals. What about the belly buttons? They have to be replaced with surgical creations, which are inferior.
What about the inevitable weight regain? It will stretch out the skin even thinner than before, causing more injuries. You can't just carve off hunks of flesh and expect that to destroy the gluttonous instincts of the person cocooned inside that meatiest of barriers. Instead of focusing on things that would turn gluttons into normalings - which would be the only thing that could work in the long term - they are instead going for procedures that will make more money for doctors and bankrupt Medicare. People will think they can just gain 100 lbs and have it hacked off for free, and then do it again and again. Well, I think that if you want to enjoy the chocolate dipped fruits of gluttony, then you also have a duty to embrace the sensuality of it all by being large and in charge. If you want to lose weight then don't ask the government for help. If the government is going to get into the business of weight loss, maybe it should stop providing 1,500 calorie lunches in school cafeterias first. But of course that will never happen because we demand flavor. Therefore, let us just eat our Reese's Pieces in peace. We are the 75%, and our voices will not be silenced. By the way, I am working on the Pizza Party platform, and I have a few things settled on for now:
Belly Boy's Fat form Platform
Here BELLY BOY shows his ability to be commander in chief
USS Belly Boy
1) All US aircraft must be retrofitted to bariatric proportions, with at least 4 foot wide aisles and two foot wide seats. I recommend switching to a more convenient "around the edges" style of seating. Instead of just rows, you put the seats up against the windows to provide extra room. Then we'll just build more planes to compensate for the lower number of seats, which stimulates the economy and creates jobs.
2) Remove all federal funding for every school in the country, UNLESS, they institute Competitive Eating as a sport, and make it something that is taught in physical education. It is the sport of the future and it helps kids eat more, which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. (Here Belly Boy shows his grasp of the importance of education and how a strong educational system is vital to a strong economy)
Autobahn or Bellybahn?
3) Widen the federal highway system to add extra lanes on each side. This will allow more cars to go on each side, which allows for faster transportation. This will counteract the effect of our weight increase on our fuel efficiency (fatter people get slightly worse gas mileage) which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. (Here Belly Boy's vision comes through. He sees that a solid infrastructure both directly and indirectly stimulates they economy while showing that the best economic stimulus is gluttony and obesity)
Skinny angry Arab!
Fat Happy Arab
4) Promote peace in the Middle East through the promotion of obesity. Free food programs will fatten up the bad guys, making them too jowly not to be jolly, and ensuring that the groups will get along. (Peace through food has always proven more effective than bomb. Fatlings are lovers not fighters. Belly Boy's grasp of foreign policy makes Henry Kissinger look like a rookie.)
5) No more toothbrushes. (Tooth decay helps our dentists. Belly Boy is a visionary!)
6) Create the Obesity Rights Act Law (ORAL) that would make it a serious criminal offense to discriminate against fat people in the workplace.
7) Affatative Action: For every 300 pounds of skinny employees who weigh less than 150 lbs each that are hired, the company MUST hire at least one employee weighing 300 or more pounds. This will get us fat folks back into the fold, which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. (Belly Boy is pushing the US towards a fair much needed labor amendment)
8) Work Optional for 500+ Pounders: We will all get a free pass regarding work. As we are the elite of the elite, we will not have to provide for society and instead society must provide for us. We will have the right to demand the sexual services of any unmarried woman aged 20 to 40, once per week. Each woman may only be chosen once in any two week period, unless she pays a special tax. This one will probably require some sort of constitutional amendment, which will stimulate the economy and create jobs. (Belly Boys brilliance shines through once again. Hogging food is good for the economy while hogging jobs isn't. 500 pounders create jobs! Why should they work? Because hookers don't pay taxes they will pay taxes with pro bono sex for the fat elite.)
9) The Work Optional rule will only apply to the fattest 5% of the population. Just like there's an inflation index, there will be an obesity index, which changes what is considered Massive Status, which gets you the gold royalty treatment I described. (Brilliant!)
10) All male news anchors will be required to weigh at least 300 lbs. (Belly Boy demonstrates he keen understanding of culture and technology. With today's wide screen TVs news anchors should all be meat faced.)