Friday, January 6, 2012

Belly Boy For President

Our favorite son Belly Boy is being drafted to run for President of the United States of America. For those of you who don't think that Belly Boy is presidential timber consider the fact that our two greatest presidents, William Howard Taft and William Jefferson Clinton. Based on poundage alone Belly Boy will without a doubt me the greatest president ever.

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William Howard Taft

More to follow as facts emerge.

UPDATE!

Introducing Belly Boy's Platform


OUR NEXT PRESIDENT BELLY BOY (WILL NOT BE SILENCED! 
 
This is a draft of Belly Boy's speech he will be giving at the NAFAM convention. 
In these days of government cutbacks, it seems irresponsible to add newfangled procedures that are not necessarily in everyone's best interests. First off, these are old people who are on Medicare, generally. If you're old and fat, congratulations, you won! You beat out the early heart disease deaths, and if you have diabetes you've overcome that too. 
 
What we do not need to do as a society is engage in cannibalistic behavior such as pannus removals. What about the belly buttons? They have to be replaced with surgical creations, which are inferior. 
 
What about the inevitable weight regain? It will stretch out the skin even thinner than before, causing more injuries. You can't just carve off hunks of flesh and expect that to destroy the gluttonous instincts of the person cocooned inside that meatiest of barriers. Instead of focusing on things that would turn gluttons into normalings - which would be the only thing that could work in the long term - they are instead going for procedures that will make more money for doctors and bankrupt Medicare. People will think they can just gain 100 lbs and have it hacked off for free, and then do it again and again. Well, I think that if you want to enjoy the chocolate dipped fruits of gluttony, then you also have a duty to embrace the sensuality of it all by being large and in charge. If you want to lose weight then don't ask the government for help. If the government is going to get into the business of weight loss, maybe it should stop providing 1,500 calorie lunches in school cafeterias first. But of course that will never happen because we demand flavor. Therefore, let us just eat our Reese's Pieces in peace. We are the 75%, and our voices will not be silenced. By the way, I am working on the Pizza Party platform, and I have a few things settled on for now:
 
Belly Boy's Fat form Platform
 
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Here BELLY BOY shows his ability to be commander in chief   
 
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USS Belly Boy
 
1) All US aircraft must be retrofitted to bariatric proportions, with at least 4 foot wide aisles and two foot wide seats. I recommend switching to a more convenient "around the edges" style of seating. Instead of just rows, you put the seats up against the windows to provide extra room. Then we'll just build more planes to compensate for the lower number of seats, which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. 
 
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2) Remove all federal funding for every school in the country, UNLESS, they institute Competitive Eating as a sport, and make it something that is taught in physical education. It is the sport of the future and it helps kids eat more, which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. (Here Belly Boy shows his grasp of the importance of education and how a strong educational system is vital to a strong economy) 
 
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Autobahn or Bellybahn?
3) Widen the federal highway system to add extra lanes on each side. This will allow more cars to go on each side, which allows for faster transportation. This will counteract the effect of our weight increase on our fuel efficiency (fatter people get slightly worse gas mileage) which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. (Here Belly Boy's vision comes through. He sees that a solid infrastructure both directly and indirectly stimulates they economy while showing that the best economic stimulus is gluttony and obesity) 
 
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Skinny angry Arab!
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Fat Happy Arab
4) Promote peace in the Middle East through the promotion of obesity. Free food programs will fatten up the bad guys, making them too jowly not to be jolly, and ensuring that the groups will get along. (Peace through food has always proven more effective than bomb. Fatlings are lovers not fighters. Belly Boy's grasp of foreign policy makes Henry Kissinger look like a rookie.) 
 
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5) No more toothbrushes. (Tooth decay helps our dentists. Belly Boy is a visionary!) 
 
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6) Create the Obesity Rights Act Law (ORAL) that would make it a serious criminal offense to discriminate against fat people in the workplace. 
 
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7) Affatative Action: For every 300 pounds of skinny employees who weigh less than 150 lbs each that are hired, the company MUST hire at least one employee weighing 300 or more pounds. This will get us fat folks back into the fold, which stimulates the economy and creates jobs. (Belly Boy is pushing the US towards a fair much needed labor amendment) 
 
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8) Work Optional for 500+ Pounders: We will all get a free pass regarding work. As we are the elite of the elite, we will not have to provide for society and instead society must provide for us. We will have the right to demand the sexual services of any unmarried woman aged 20 to 40, once per week. Each woman may only be chosen once in any two week period, unless she pays a special tax. This one will probably require some sort of constitutional amendment, which will stimulate the economy and create jobs. (Belly Boys brilliance shines through once again. Hogging food is good for the economy while hogging jobs isn't. 500 pounders create jobs! Why should they work? Because hookers don't pay taxes they will pay taxes with pro bono sex for the fat elite.) 
 
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9) The Work Optional rule will only apply to the fattest 5% of the population. Just like there's an inflation index, there will be an obesity index, which changes what is considered Massive Status, which gets you the gold royalty treatment I described. (Brilliant!) 
 
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10) All male news anchors will be required to weigh at least 300 lbs. (Belly Boy demonstrates he keen understanding of culture and technology. With today's wide screen TVs news anchors should all be meat faced.)

12 comments:

  1. OINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Rotunda HindenbergJanuary 7, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    Biggus Piggus, that was one impressive oink.

    Belly Boy's vision for America is a fat and gluttonous vision and what can be more American than that?

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  3. Belly Boy makes more sense than any of the Republicans. I will be joining the Pizza Party!

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  4. After consuming some pizzas and a nice hot fudge sundae, I have come up with some more elements of the Pizza Party platform.

    11) We need to increase research into critical areas, such as Breakfast Meats, antacids, fast food, and translinear subduction. Better breakfast meats will allow the nation to start its day correctly, with enough grease to power through the morning.
    12) The law forbidding NFL games to be broadcast on Saturdays from August through the beginning of December, will be repealed. I'd rather watch NFL games than college football games, even on Saturday.
    13) In order to improve relations with South American nations, we need to dramatically increase our taco, burrito, and nacho consumption. I'm talking 70% at least. We need all the delicious cheese.
    14) We need to require ballet companies to have at least one 400+ lbs man and 400+ lbs woman in the ballets. This will greatly enhance appreciation of fat capabilities, as they see that we fat folks are not all immobile like I mostly am.
    15) We need bigger fridges and larger TVs to help us have more fun in life. The bigger fridges will help us store more food to eat, and the bigger TVs allow us to watch more television.
    16) We've got to make it clear that fat men are the sexiest men. Women will need to understand this reality and act accordingly. Therefore, I will require all male actors who weigh under 300 lbs to gain at least 8 lbs per month for the next 2 years. This adds up to about 200 pounds.
    17) Comedian Bruce Bruce is the new #1 comedian in the United States. Period. He's got it going on, and knows exactly how to bring fat humor to us all. The new #2 comedian is Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias.
    18) Lower the drinking age to 14, and the driving age to 13. This powerful combo will promote responsible drinking by getting kids more practice at it, by starting them in at a younger age. It will also result in better drivers since again, there will be more experience. Drinking and driving will remain illegal. However, eating while driving is now considered a core essential American right.
    19) Add more roadside fast food joints to American highways. Drivers require more variety while on the road. We can't just be chowing down on mickee dee's and Wendy's every time. Let's add more Taco Bells and some Pizza Huts to break up the monotony. This will encourage more longer drives, stimulating the economy and creating jobs. It will also help get me more votes from truckers.
    20) Voting will now be based on body weight. If you weigh under 100 lbs, you no longer have the right to vote. Those weighing 100 to 199 get one vote, 200 to 299 get THREE votes, 300 to 399 get FIVE votes, and so on. Whoever reaches 1,000 pounds, however, gets 1,000 votes. At that point you get one vote per pound, and at 2,000 pounds you get 20 votes per pound. Rather than all this campaigning wasting money, now candidates will simply try to fatten up their supporters, which does a lot more to stimulate the economy compared to just giving more money to Big Media.

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  5. I think that most of these can be made in to law by executive order based on national security.

    I particularly like the mandatory fast food places on all of our turnpikes. I would add one more thing and that they would be only President Belly Boy approved so no TCBY or Subway. Also, no more so called healthy foods and every place must have a quadruple cheese burger and anyone over 400 pounds eats for free.

    I would also suggest that you appoint Dr John of the Heart Attack Grill surgeon general.

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  6. BELLY BOY (TELLS THE TRUTH)January 8, 2012 at 7:55 PM

    Yes, Dr. Jon Basso will be the Surgeon General. My VP will be Rev. Lard Ass, and the Secretary of Steak will be Fat Bastard. Professor Ted. E. Bear will be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, since he knows what it's like to be on a fixed income and Social Security; although he would have to temporarily go off disability to fulfill his duties. Coach Gaines will be on the Committee for Fitness and Fatness, and The Chef will be the White House Chef, although unfortunately he will have to be drug tested like all of the elite members of my top level. I'll appoint Basil Marceaux as Chief of Freedom, you can see his work on his youtube site: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnx-SqMYknI

    I will immediately declare a Steak of Emergency and my first order will be for a 72 ounce steak, 40 ounce mug of beer, and a large order of fries. Next, I will instruct TCBY and Subway to follow the examples of McDonalds and Burger King by adding more fatty foods. Subway has made some progress with 800 calorie meatball subs, but they need to make them meatball parm subs, and toast the bread first while slathering butter on it, to add another 1,000 calories or so. That, plus a bag of chips and a large soda, should get us off to a decent day at over 2,000 calories. A decent snack.

    I will only appoint morbidly obese and hyper morbidly obese people to high offices. Like for example, federal judges serve for life - well, if they're hyper morbidly obese, the stakes are lower since they won't live as long. This way, we get more judges over time instead of just a few that stay in there for like 40 years. You get some fatlings in there and they will last maybe 5 - 15 tops, since they're already in their 40s or 50s. As for ambassadors, I will appoint ambASSadors with large asses. They will intimidate tiny members of other nations, and the females will generate much sexual attraction, since the US is the only country that does not currently idolize morbidly obese women. You go to Asia, and they're all about the SSBBWs. Same with Europe and Africa, they're tired of sticklings, they want morbidly obese women with a pannus that goes on for miles and miles, so that there is more romance for them during intimate moments, due to having to lift the panus.

    This campaign is just kicking into high gear! We already have people putting up flyers and stuff, so we're sure to win.

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  7. Is this serious? Man, there are some fringe candidates out there. Why would anyone support you?

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  8. Belly Boy said: Lower the drinking age to 14, and the driving age to 13. This powerful combo will promote responsible drinking by getting kids more practice at it, by starting them in at a younger age. It will also result in better drivers since again, there will be more experience. Drinking and driving will remain illegal. However, eating while driving is now considered a core essential American right.

    ************************************************************************************************

    This will drastically cut down on prom deaths. Novice drunk drivers are the problem. Experienced drunk drivers are safe drivers.

    I would take this a step further and require car makers to install a food claws in all cars so that drivers will have one hand free to steer and the other to operate the CD player and to text.

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  9. The Chef would consider dropping his support for Obama if Belly Boy would legalize the sticky green for medical purposes only and make it available with a prescription.

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  10. The Chef means WITHOUT a prescription!

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  11. @ anonymous,

    History has shown that the greatest presidents have been the fattest. Since Belly Boy is one of the fattest people on earth his presidency will usher in prosperity and utopia aka fattopia.

    Look at his choices for his kitchen cabinet! He's a genius.

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  12. This is the best fucking blog on the whole fucking internet!

    ReplyDelete

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