Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Home Made Twinkie: A Good Twinkie Recipe

In my last article I, Fat Bastard, lamented the coming demise of the Twinkie. Many of us gluttons are in pre mourning. There have been Twinkie riots in some states and I will be contacting NAAFA in hope of organizing an occupy Hostess demonstration. If we fatlings hold a sit in the cops will need a crane and a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer to move us. What are they going to do when there are 1000's of us oinking loudly and angrily in a deafening din?

This could unite the splintered fat acceptance movement. When this hits the fatosphere, groups like NAAFA, Big Fat Blog http://www.bigfatblog.com/ and Fierce Free Thinking Fatties http://fiercefatties.com/ will be waddling side by site with those of us in NAFAM and NIFIM in an unstoppable flabbalance of epic proportions.

Here are some cheers we will be chanting.

We are fat! We are mean! We don't want not Lean Cuisine!

2 4 6 8 we do not regurgitate. Then we will burn MeMe Roth in effigy.

Last night Thinnette baked up 6 pans of these DIY Twinkies and while they were not exactly like the genuine article they were pretty damn good. The Chef is also working on his own special chocolate Twinkie but like the Belly BurgerTM  this will have a copyright and patent and will only be sold in stores and online.

Get ready to drool fellow fatlings. Here's the top secret recipe Thinnette found on MSNBC via Wiki Leaks.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38681430/ns/today-food/t/make-your-own-twinkies-top-secret-recipe/#.TxceDryF_Xg


Recipe: Twinkies


Secret Ingredients
  • Non-stick spray
  • 4 egg whites
  • One 16-ounce box golden pound cake mix
  • 2/3 cup water
  • Filling
  • 2 teaspoons very hot water
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups marshmallow creme (one 7-ounce jar)
  • 1/2 cup shortening
  • 1/3 cup powdered sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
 
 
Preparation
You will need a spice bottle, approximately the size of a Twinkie, ten 12 x 14 -inch pieces of aluminum foil, a cake decorator or pastry bag, and a chopstick.
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
Fold each piece of aluminum foil in half twice. Wrap the folded foil around the spice bottle to create a mold. Leave the top of the mold open for pouring in the batter. Make 10 of these molds and arrange them on a cookie sheet or in a shallow pan. Grease the inside of each mold with a light coating of non-stick spray.
Disregard the directions on the box of cake mix. Instead, beat the egg whites until stiff. In a separate bowl combine cake mix with water and beat until thoroughly blended (about 2 minutes). Fold egg whites into the cake batter and slowly combine until completely mixed.
Pour the batter into the molds, filling each one about 3/4 of an inch. Bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until the cake is golden brown and a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean.
For the filling, combine salt with the hot water in a small bowl and stir until salt is dissolved. Let this mixture cool.
Combine the marshmallow creme, shortening, powdered sugar and vanilla in a medium bowl and mix well with an electric mixer on high speed until fluffy.
Add the salt solution to the filling mixture and combine.
When the cakes are done and cooled, use a skewer or chopstick to make three holes in the bottom of each one. Move the stick around inside of each cake to create space for the filling.
Using a cake decorator or pastry bag, inject each cake with filling through all three holes.
Serving Size
Serves 10

7 comments:

  1. BELLY BOY (The Twinkie Hoarder)January 18, 2012 at 9:24 PM

    The Twinkie Riots are heating up. In the Fulham Correctional Centre in Australia, prisoners have started rioting, over the Twinkie crisis I believe. Maybe they also want "full ham" as the name of the prison suggests.

    Who are NIFIM?

    Anyway, if we do join forces with NAAFA and the Fierce Freethinking Fatties, we will be a powerful force to be reckoned with. We will not stand shoulder to shoulder, however, because our bellies and hips are too wide.

    Hey hey, Ho-Hos, and Twinkles we gotta save them both! Hey hey, Ho-Hos, and Twinkies, for all the fat folks!!

    Thinnette's Twinkies recipe is completely and utterly wrong, I'm sorry. I just can't agree with it at all, it is horrible. The serving size is completely wrong - that is not 10 servings, I'm sorry. That is 1 serving. Other than that it sounds amazing!

    We do still need to have the real deal. Nothing matches the Convenience Factor of just opening a box, opening the plastic, breathing in the goodness, and then eating them.

    In other Fatling News, it has just come out that Paula Deen has been diagnosed with Type Two Adult Onset Diabetes. For us fatlings, this is like an HIV patient coming down with full blown AIDS- you try to delay it as long as you can but it is inevitable and it catches up to all of us sooner or later. Me, I got Type Two Adult Onset Diabetes when I was very young, because I've been big all my life. I wasn't born with it, though.

    Still, it is very sad to know that one of America's most attractive non-Asian celebrities now has T2D. Thankfully, she announced that she will still cook the same stuff she always does. Whew! Now if she could come out with a Twinkie recipe, that'd be pretty great.

    BELLY BOY, hoarding my Twinkies

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  2. It's going to get ugly and I see us being under martial law SOON!

    As you can see the internet police have blanked out the magic Twinkie ingredients. What will happen is that the price of a Twinkie will sky rocket and you are right Belly Boy, the Twinkie will be more valuable than gold.

    You are right, the Twinkie will not be the only casualty of this conspiracy. We need to save the Snowballs and the cupcakes.

    The Twinkie conspiracy will turn into the Twinkie wars.

    NIFAM is the New International Fat Acceptance Movement.

    There needs to be a fatling coalition with the girl run groups like Fierce Fatties, NAAFA and Big Fat Blog.

    This could be an opportunity to bring more fatlings into the movement.

    I have tried to hoard Twinkies but I keep eating them.

    Oppression breeds hunger!

    ReplyDelete
  3. BELLY BOY (IS SHOWING LEADERSHIP SKILLS)January 19, 2012 at 9:37 PM

    I don't think we'll be under martial law soon, but we may face a devastating food shortage. There was a butter shortage in Norway not long ago (look it up!) (maybe it was Finland, one of those Nordic countries) and I feel that that was just the beginning. It was a test run by the Big Anorexia to try to see what they could get away with, what the limits are, and they basically did that as a dry run. Seeing that it was successful, they went after our Twinkies, a devastating gut shot that will send our nation's fatties reeling.

    Twinkies are edible gold. But you are right that soon they will also come for the snowballs and the cupcakes.

    You once said it very well, first they came for the gluttons, but I was not a glutton so I did nothing. Then they came for the Eat Beasts, but I was not an Eat Beast, so I did nothing, etc, etc, etc, then they came for me, and there was no one left. Or something like that. Well now they are doing this with our food, coming to take it all away, knocking the Twinkies out of our mouths. Before long, they will be taking away our candy bars, and then cheese, and then butter, and before long they will come after our beer. They did that once before in the 1920s, when they got an Amendment to ban alcohol, and don't doubt that they will try to do it again.

    They are trying to pit fatling against fatling by creating an artificial Twinkie shortage. They know that the only reason we don't have any real Fat Rights legislation is that we are split apart into different competing groups, with the SSBBW lesbian man-haters unwilling to team up with manly men like Rev. Lard Ass and Fat Bastard, who have the majestic regality to actually get things done. The SSBBWs have the sex appeal to draw in moderates, fence-sitters, has-beens, and fat admirers into the fold, but alone they cannot get it accomplished because of their man-hating rhetoric, which multiplies when there are no men around except FAs slobbering at their yeasty maws. When combined with NAFAM, however, the negative elements of the NAAFA movement are subdued, as when its founder was in charge. It's simple fathematics.

    I have stockpiled a few hundred boxes of Twinkies, which I am keeping in the basement for now. I'm buying up more on the open market, sending my butler on Twinkie runs. All the grocery stores are sold out, but I've managed to find some gas stations that weren't sold out, and I bought out their stock. I also bought up lots of Twinkies from eBay. Since they require no refrigeration, they can be stored indefinitely and shipped very easily due to their packaging and softness. A crate of Twinkies will be intact even if dropped from a very high distance. In the event of a Twinkie Blackout I can use this newfound currency to build enough of an empire to create a business that can get off the ground to keep fatlings surviving.

    BELLY BOY, OUT (BUT NOT OUT OF TWINKIES)

    ReplyDelete
  4. What Belly Boy Say Bears Repeating.

    I glad you have Twinkies there has been a run on them here in Bloat county. There are a lot of signs that say we have Little Debbie snack cakes but fuck Little Debbie... come to think if it I would like to fill her Twinkie with some fat man cream. A few drivers of the Hostess delivery vans have been approached by BBWs and offered sexual favors for Twinkies... blow jobs mostly.

    The butter crisis concerns me. First these things start in Europe and then they come here. With Paula Deen the Butter Queen announcing she has diabetes there is no telling what will happen to the butter market. I'm thinking I should get a few cows and a butter churn and hire some hot little milk maid to churn my butter while I beat off.

    This Twinkie conspiracy is definitely an attack on fatling and a way to create a civil war so that the Department of Home Land Security can team up with the FDA, USDA, FBI, FEMA and the military. Sinister things are afoot. They know that the Twinkie is a staple in the diet of fatlings and they want to control us. They may try to round us up and toss us in weight loss camps with the lure of free Twinkie just like the way the Gestapo rounded up Jews for the death camps. For a fatling this could be a fate worse than death.

    You are doing the right thing in buying up the Twinkies an hoarding them. It used to be GUNS, GOLD and BUTTER in times of war but in this case it should be Cupcakes, Snowballs and Twinkies. The man who controls the Twinkie rules the world. You Belly Boy are poised to leverage a whole fucking lot of power. Just don't eat all that power.

    Secret Ingredients

    Non-stick spray
    X egg whites
    One 16-ounce box golden pound cake mix
    2/3 cup water
    Mystery Ingredient

    Filling
    2 teaspoons very hot water
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    2 cups marshmallow creme (one 7-ounce jar)
    1/2 cup shortening
    1/3 cup powdered sugar
    1/2 teaspoon vanilla
    Mystery ingredients

    I hold some power too. The Chef's cousin works for Hostess Brands and he was able to fax me the recipe. Thinnete works for a printing company and she can make Twinkie boxes. We can counterfeit Twinkies if the need arises.

    We have pretty much cracked the recipe and will go into production should the need arise. I have had the arduous task of eating them.

    I think we can get the NAAFA sows inline beause there are enough Twinkies left to entice them and there are enough fat admirers who like to eat the yeasty cream out of their muffins to get them on board.

    I have contacted Governor Chris Christie to see if he can throw his weight around but now word from him yet.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The Twinkie Crisis is not a government conspiracy. It is a conspiracy of the Fashion Industry, Big Anorexia, and the Weight Loss / Medical Industrial Complex. The government actually has nothing to do with any of this.

    As for the Twinkie truck drivers, it is well known that truck drivers are susceptible to offers of blowjobs. They are known to pick up women at the rest areas for prostitution purposes, so it wouldn't surprise me if some of them exchanged a case of 20 boxes of Twinkies for a BJ. That's enough Twinkies to keep a BBW going for a solid week. Or an SSBBW going for a day or two. Thankfully SSBBWs have much higher sex drives, so they'd be able to get more Twinkies to balance it all out.

    You should get a cow to make you some milk and butter, HOWEVER, be warned that at some point you will decide that you want some burgers and a steak, and you will be tempted to just start hacking into your cow to make some food. So you have to balance that risk out. I know some guys who have decided to purchase bulls, which help make protein shakes instead of milk. I'm not really sure how that works but apparently what they do is they put the bull milk (didn't even know there was such a thing) in with some eggs and whey protein powder. Most of the top bodybuilders and musclelings do that.

    The people at the Biggest Loser are teaming up with the Diet and Fashion industries to create a network of Biggest Loser camps throughout the nation. They are going to start trying to get fat folks to enroll, and this will be a disaster. We will need to fight back with all of our might, so we're going to need some pizza power and Belly Boy Burgers to bust up the nonsense. Thankfully the Government is on our side, since it depends heavily on tax money from food products and donations from the healthcare industry, which depends heavily on us fat folks. We are the key to keeping the funding levels secure for the government, so it actually is on our side.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have managed to avoid eating my Twinkie supply, however my Ho Ho Supply is running dangerously low. In order to preserve my Twinkies I had to dip into the Ho Hos, but now I am worried that I went too far in that direction and it might be too late to recovery, from a balance perspective. Twinkies will be worth more anyway, but a true glutton lusts after variety, so I want some of each. I like to graze majestically amongst various junk foods, not just gorging on one exclusively. I am an epicurean eat beast.

    I'm glad that The Chef's cousin has forwarded you some info about the Twinkies. Since Thinnette can get you some boxes, and presumably the Chef can ramp up mass baking of Twinkies as well with his professional grade chef ovens, we should be able to survive if the cream filling hits the fan. For the plastic sleeves, we should be able to get those on eBay. Please cut me in on some of the Twinkies if our supply gets cut off. I can't be expected to help lead the Fat Revolution on an empty stomach, and I do not want to exhaust my own Twinkie Supply, even though I desperately want to eat them. Now that they are scarce, I want them even more. I dunk them in coffee, and it is orgasmic.

    We should be able to convince NAAFA to help us. I will put a Twinkie in my belly boy belly button and make them eat/suck it out, and that will make one of them fall in love with me. Hopefully my Asian girlfriend won't mind. She is very subservient, which is just how I, Belly Boy, like my women. She has also shaved her head completely bald, at my request.

    Hopefully Gov. Chris 'Crisco' Christie could help. I have contacted the surviving members of the early 1990s rap group "The Fat Boys", Guy Fieri, Keely Shaye Smith (Pierce Brosnan's BBW wife), ArEAThra Franklin, Sally Struthers, Fat Joe, Steven Seagal, Artie Lang, Rosanne, Chaz Bono, Reuben "Sandwich" Studdard, Jeff Garland, Kevin Smith, and my friend known only as Alfredo Sauce. (He weighs a trim 500 pounds but is highly athletic and plays basketball on the street level, hustling and bustling, and earning about $375,000 a year.)

    BELLY BOY, OUT (OUT BRIEF CANDLE)

    ReplyDelete
  7. The first theng we need to do is eat. One cannot think well on an empty stomach. I have received some reports that some BBWs, fainted when hearing the news and have actually lost their appetites and have lost weight. I don't know about you Belly Boy but this is an act of domestic terrorism that that makes the Oklahoma City bombing pale in comparison.


    First they came for the Twinkies and I did not speak out because I did not eat Twinkies.

    Then they came for the Ho Hos and I did not speak out because I did not eat Ho Hos.

    Then they came for the cup cakes and I did not speak out because I did not eat cup cakes.

    Then they came for the pizza and there was no one left to speak out for pizza.

    I think you get the point Belly Boy. Even fatlings pups will be effected by this.

    One way to get the NAAFA girls is to use a Twinkie wrapper and a condom. The smell will make them wet and not just from the yeast infections.

    My pleas are going out to fatlings everywhere. The Tea Party is mostly fatlings and having their muscle/blubber behind this protest can't hurt as long as they learn to spell better and eat so that they don't talk too much.

    I did hear from the President and he said he was saddened by the news but they may get him in hot water with his wife. Obama is a huge Twinkie fan.

    I have contacted Butter Bean as i know he like Hostess Softees his people will be contacting my people.

    Belly Boy, this is getting more serious by the minute. Here is another shocking act of violence caused by the Twinkie Conspiracy.

    JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -

    An 18-year-old man who tried to steal Twinkies from a convenience store Thursday afternoon was shot when the store clerk's gun accidentally discharged, according to Jacksonville police.

    The teen, Joseph Williams, has since been arrested.

    Police said Williams was trying to steal the snack cakes from Happy Jacks in the 1600 block of North Myrtle Avenue in Northwest Jacksonville just after 4 p.m. Thursday.

    Police said the store clerk then displayed a handgun and chased Williams out of the store. Police said the clerk caught Williams outside the store and they got into a struggle.

    The clerk had the gun in his right hand and told Williams to stop resisting, police said. They said the clerk told them that Williams looked at his gun as if he was going to try and grab it, so he struck him in the head to stop him.

    The gun accidentally fired, and Williams was able to flee the scene, police said. A K-9 tracked a blood trail several blocks away, but police said they were not able to find Williams.

    At 9 p.m., Williams walked into a local hospital for treatment for a gunshot wound to his arm, police said. They said Williams admitted to being in a struggle with the store clerk. He was then arrested.

    Copyright 2011 by News4Jax.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

    OUTRAGEOUS!

    ReplyDelete

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