Saturday, January 14, 2012

Save The Twinkie

I, Fat Bastard, debated long and hard about posting this video. I thought maybe it would be too cruel seeing Rev Burn eating Twinkies. As most of you know by now Hostess will no longer be making Twinkies. This is an outrage! What bone head executive came up with this retarded idea? This will be a bigger boner than when they changed the formula for Coke. This is why Hostess is going bankrupt. Stupid CEOs.

ROMNEY IS AN EVIL! LIAR CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT HOW BAD HE REALLY IS! YOU WILL BE ASTOUNDED! 

http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20071107115225/uncyclopedia/images/c/c8/FatGothKid.jpg
Do something President Obama or you will lose the fat vote. Fatlings nationwide are livid! There will be loud and angry oinking!

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/41577_21699931769_2047_n.jpg
I suspect that that evil thinling MeMe Roth is behind this latest assault on gluttony!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/bc/Hostess-Twinkies-Box-Small.jpg/290px-Hostess-Twinkies-Box-Small.jpg
Sad news arrived the other day. Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, had filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

Its future is in the hands of bankers, not bakers. The company said it's battling rising labor costs and increased competition. The real culprit though, is the health-conscious attitudes of Americans today who favor energy bars over Ring Dings.

It just doesn't make sense!!

http://blog.chron.com/sciguy/files/2011/04/AS17-140-21391HR.jpg
We sent a man to the moon, invented Velcro and bailed out the banks. You'd think we could figure out a way to save the noble and humble Twinkie.

http://lbdarling.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/twinkiekid.jpg
Twinkies are an American tradition, along with Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Yodels and Suzy Q's. Our entire culture is under fire.

A Twinkie has only 150 calories, or 300 per package, and really, who doesn't eat both? But a single Twinkie has fewer calories than a McDonald's Fruit 'n Yogurt Parfait or a serving of carrots and hummus. And who wants to eat that anyway?

http://securecloudreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/great-depression-food.jpg
At a time when the country faces a prolonged recession, these treats are comfort foods people can rely on.

http://www.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/images/2009/11_6.jpg
I can remember sitting in the cafeteria in grade school, opening my brown lunch bag. I quickly chowed down my nearly stale sandwich, the same sort I ate every day, while the room filled with the high-pitched chatter of loosely supervised young voices.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_FzLB7mNEfYw/R1LM3RPXyJI/AAAAAAAAA_E/ld4olntz9_M/s1600-R/sm_Twinkie_IMG_2596.jpg
Then, tenderly, I'd pull out the package of Twinkies with my fingertips so I didn't damage the delicate cakes. (A deformed Twinkie doesn't taste the same.)

I'd begin to sink my teeth into the yellow cake, feeling its porous surface against my lips and that odd sweet flavor of the outer shell against my tongue.

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.453216!/img/httpImage/image.jpg
The journey was rewarded as I reached that perfect creamy filling inside.

http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/3/1/collegehumor.8445d4a33324a8fd46d78b91bab62add.jpg
I'd take small bites, savoring the moment. The world around me seemed to come to a stop. Conversations ceased. It was just you and your Twinkie. There were some glances from around the table. But you had your golden treasure and you weren't giving it up.

http://storage.canoe.ca/v1/blogs-prod-photos/8/3/2/0/4/83204a232fd364e7c417add17bb9b5a7.jpg?stmp=1317745249
When you were done, your meal was complete. You were happy, satisfied, even though you'd have to go back to class.

So many memories, and now they are threatened by the combination of changing tastes and man's inability to engineer a healthy, sweet, yellow torpedo of a snack.

It was simply one of man's most frivolous inventions, along with Snuggies and the Popeil Pocket Fisherman.

So what that it didn't have any redeeming nutritional value? Neither do canolis or grilled cheese. But they add richness to our lives. Not everything we do has to serve some utilitarian purpose.

Like music and poetry, it stimulates our senses, takes us someplace special.

We can embrace all the splendors of our world, lest we all become dullards.

Should the Twinkie go, I for one will lament its passing.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Mk8j3lbZzTo/Tw73XyW0h7I/AAAAAAAAEeM/V7x40X4kd8s/s1600/ST.png

2 comments:

  1. That was beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes, and a rumbling to my belly. Someone from another news site stole your article, though, either that your you forgot to cite that you got it from them. The story about twinkles at lunch, I mean.

    This looks like it could be a Meme Roth-led conspiracy to get Americans to become stockings. Twinkies are one of the basic food groups of the American mealscape. This is going to ruin the NFL, as the next generation of failings that will one day become NFL nose tackles have less mass to work with. They'll have to ramp up ice cream consumption. It's going to get messy; so I'm starting to shift my portfolio towards investments in syrups, especially vanilla, caramel, and dark chocolate.

    BELLY BOY

    ReplyDelete
  2. They steal my stuff all the time Belly Boy. They were stealing stuff left and right from Bigger Fatter Blog.

    This has MeMe Roth's finger prints all over it.

    I had a major meltdown over this and right now Proud FA's main squeeze Thinnette is working on a recipe that she will give to the world as soon as she cracks the code.

    ReplyDelete

After you leave a comment EAT!