Saturday, April 7, 2012

Fat Man Raging While Bcoming a Thinling: I am at a loss for words. HELP!



    I lost 150 pounds once. Yeah, someone broke into the freezer in the garage and raided all my frozen steaks!! 150 pounds of delicious steaks!

    When I die, they are gonna have to remove a whole wall from the house, and the roof, and the floor, to lift me out of the basement and then out of the side of the house. They will have to chop down a small forest to build a casket for me. They will have to dig a hole 10 feet deep. I will need 20 pall-bearers. My casket will be a big circular cylinder.

    So, all of these are important things to keep in mind as we continue our individual journeys through obesity. You have to remember that fat fattens best, carbs make the best cravings, and protein makes your kidneys work extra hard to turn your urine into a thick orange slush, which gives your kidneys a good workout.


  2. I lost 5 pounds today. I dropped a triple flusher into the brownie bowl this morning. I wish I had taken a picture of it.

    I think it is so majestic when they need a fire crew to extract a fatling from his house. I want to be removed with a fork lift but sadly I cannot reach mammoth proportions without dying.

    Teddy Bear wants to get to 2000 pounds. That will mean more than 20 pall bearers.

    A round casket would be a great idea but have you ever considered cremation. All your blubber would burn for a long time and it would smell like a barbecue. Everybody loves barbecues.

    You could also have your blubber sucked out and sold on Ebay.

    You also may want to consider a taxidermist. I hate the thought of you mouldering in a grave.

    1. I think Teddy is plateauing at around 395 lbs, unfortunately. I don't think he will cross the 500 lbs marker at his current rate, because he eats baked fish instead of deep fried fish like I do.

      I think that I am going to have to go the taxidermy route. I will have my body plasticized and tour it around the country as part of a freak show, and people will come far and wide to see The Amazing Belly Boy, paying $14.95 each to gaze upon my naked, plastic-infused corpse.

      The taxidermists I've contacted said they won't do humans, though, unfortunately.


    2. Make arrangements for your body to be shipped to Mexico for taxidermy. They with suck our the blubber and use it to make biodiesel.

      I think you should be displayed like King Tut. Your first stop should be the Smithsonian.

      Teddy has a good look under 400. He's short but he has a majestic look. Teddy is smart ad he looks smart.


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