Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Bacon Shortage: Prepare for the Aporkalypse

Apocalypse or Aporkalypse?

This could get ugly folks. Droughts worldwide have caused a reduction in pig feed and I have said many times that vegetables are what food eats but unfortunately for pigs there is not enough feed so pig farmers are thinning the their herds.

I predict hoarding and pork riots. This is a bacon economy and if you think the financial meltdown was bad this pork shortage will deliver a death blow to our economy.... and it's not just the bacon! Bacon comes from the noble pig but so does barbecue, pork chops, pork rinds and most sausage.
And fuck that turkey bacon! It sucks. Don't be fooled by it. Our heart valves need pork fat!
Beef bacon is sacrilege!
The 850 calories formidable BK Quad Stacker

Fatlings will be starving to death in they can't have their bacon cheese burger super stackers! A cheese burger without bacon is just plain unAmerican! Say goodbye to these appetizers.
Wendy's 660 calorie single Baconator
Hard hit will be the Hardee's 1,170 calorie

Monster Biscuit 

That has the holy pork trinity of bacon, sausage and heavenly ham
The impressive 850 calorie Wendy's Double Baconator
Wendy's Triple Baconator meal 1,540 calories
83 g fat (33 g saturated, 4 g trans)
2,370 mg sodium




    I am still recovering. I am still in a fragile state, but I seem to be getting better day by day.

    I have been having semi-erections, using Viagra. This is nearly unheard of, as I had previously had my testicles basically wither away completely. I am the recipient of one of the world's first testicular transplants, and so far it appears to be a success.

    As for BACON, I will be outraged if there is a bacon shortage. First there was a butter shortage in Scandinavia, and then the great Twinkie Famine of 2012, and now the Bacon Crisis of 2013? Nooooooooooooooo.

    Boom shakka lakka, balls balls balls
    Boom shakka lakka, eat some food.

    I need some work on my rhyming skills. The flood of natural testosterone is changing my mind and body. I no longer feel so passive. I feel stronger now. I am now able to walk a bit more.

    I have some important Fat News for you.
    On the X Factor, there is a contestant who used to weigh approximately 950 pounds. He lost 400 pounds and Simon Cowell wants him to lose more weight so that he can stand up and sing. He has the voice of a morbidly obese angel, and I hope that he is able to lose some weight if that is what he wants to do to be healthier. He has scaled the mountain tops, it is okay to come back down if you wish.

    In other Fat News, there was an SSBBW crime story. She took the blame for a crime she did not commit, to save her sibling. However, the prosecutors realized that she was actually too fat to have committed the crime, and her confession has been rejected. She said she rolled over onto the child, but they said she is too fat to have done that.


  2. I have reported in the brave heroine who took the blame for her skinny sister.

    As for that super fat singer I say make him fatter and have a guy with a remote control move him around on a hoist and fly him around like an angel.

    I am glad to hear that your testicular beef up is working out so well. With all the testosterone you will have to ramp up your eating. Join the UFC and use that bulk and aggression to its full advantage!


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