Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Gifts for Gluttons

Okay okay I get it it's Christmas but I,Fat Bastard  am inspired by the wonderful and not so wonderful Christmas gifts that I have received. There are some wonderful gifts that will be great appreciated by the fat and greedy glutton but there are some gifts that should never be given to a big fat greedy glutton like me, Fat Bastard.

Greedy gluttonous fatlings should never be gifted with certain gifts such as exercise equipment or footwear with laces. Only loafers for loafers. The positive side of this is that gifts for the greedy glutton are plentiful. We can thank our accommodating fat centric society for all the wonderful things that people like. The list is endless. Booze is never a bad idea but when selecting some sort of alcoholic product for  your glutton make it something special like a liquor such as Southern Comfort or Bailey's Irish Cream. KahlĂșa is always a good idea. You can never go wrong with candy but if you can afford 5 pounds of Godiva chocolates and go for quantity and by a 5 pound box of some other assorted candies. Cheese cheese cheese... There there is a full spectrum of cheeses from good old American cheddar, port wine cheese, Monterey Jack, Brie, Gorgonzola, Limburger, Munster, provolone, Greek feta, and good old fat girl Fromunda cheese.


A favorite of all fatty's is a good old-fashioned hickory farms sampler pack containing crackers sausages hard soft and spreadable cheeses. A good stocking stuffer is a can of cheese whiz. Other than vegetables there are very few foods that fatlings will not eat. In fact, fatlings genetically consider vegetables to be food. Another good choice for a glutton is a gift card to a restaurant fatties like best and they are as follows; Denny's, McDonald's, Olive Garden, O'Charley's, international House of pancakes, Arby's, Burger King,  Hardee's,  KFC, Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel... you get the point.

 A lot of fattys like practical gifts and some of the  practical gifts that come to mind are things like butt wands,  gifts for the bath, portable bidet  for the BBW's,  talcum powder, a showerhead, seatbelt extenders,  a  bib,  loafers and door grease are all good practical gifts that will be appreciated by any glutton.


 There are also some extravagant gifts that a glutton will just love.  As you know, we fatlings  are plagued by an epidemic of double flushing the toilet.  Sometimes it takes more than a double or even a triple flush will not send the giant herds of a glutton to their final resting place. I, fat bastard have written extensively on methods of unclogging toilets but the ultimate solution for clogged toilets are bigger toilets. There are some very large bariatric toilets that can handle almost any volume of feces of fatlings can put in them. Your glutton will cry tears of joy when he wakes up on Christmas morning and find that Santa and his elves have installed a supersized toilet that can also double as a wading pool for children.


 Perhaps the most favorite automobile of a glutton is a Cadillac Escalade or one of its variants. These giant SUVs are in every way the best motor vehicle for a big fat glutton.

Cadillac Escalade is the Fatillac of Cadillacs

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