Showing posts with label butt wands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label butt wands. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

How Do Obese People Wipe Their Butts?

How do Obese People Wipe Their Butts? How to reach back there.




How Us Fatlings “Reach Back There” by Fat Bastard



RELATED: CLICK HERE TO WIPE YOUR ASS ON BEN CARSON

It is no secret that many of us fatlings have trouble reaching our butts when we need to wipe but thankfully that will not put most gluttons off their feed. If hygienic toileting is important to you then read on and you will find some valuable tips and tricks for making your trips to the brownie bowel more of a joy and less of a chore.

A good report is only as good as its research so I went to the leading authority on all things poop, The Poop Report. Just like Bigger Fatter Blog is the leading source for all things fat, the folks at The Poop Report are the leading authorities on all things poop. Let’s start with the most obvious question. “How do obese people wipe?” Most people know how Criss Angel walks on water but only fatlings know how fat butts get wiped but even most fatlings do not know all the methods of obese rectal hygiene.

RELATED: HOW TRUMP GETS HIS ASS WIPED

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Some fatlings (jealous fat girls of the old fat acceptance) bristle at the very idea of discussing the challenges we fatling face when it’s time to do the paper work. Dropping a bowl filler can be satisfying but no job is finished until the paperwork is done.

A curious thinling asked the follow question on The Poop Report.

“Dear Poop Report,

How do obese people wipe? I am not trying to be rude…just curious. Also, do they make toilets for people over 300 pounds?”

I, Fat Bastard will answer the second question first. YES!

ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO

Many manufactures are making super sized toilets to accommodate the larger butts, heavier weights and the greater fecal volume of fatlings. The Cadillac of super sized toilets is the Great John. This bad boy is so big that it will double as a kiddie pool.

Here is how a jealous fat girl in denial responded to the thinling’s question:

Dee (not verified) —
Fuck you asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am 550 pounds and I resent your question. Where do you live? I will come over and sit on your face and shit, and then you can lick my ass clean!!!

A poop expert replied:

Tydirium
Judging from that fat girl’s tone of voice, it sounds to me like she has a lot of trouble wiping. Hence the irritability.

Let’s start with a novel and creative way many fatlings use for wiping their butts in a pubic restroom. Once again the Poop Report provides a wonderful almost zoological report on one clever fatling who uses a men’s room stall like a rubbing post much like a bear uses a tree to leave his scent.


Here is a excerpt from a Poop Report undercover investigation of the fatling who used the stall and a rubbing post.

In talking to the janitors that cleaned the bathrooms at night, I learned that their nickname for Pat was “The Shitter”. You see, Pat was apparently too large to wipe his own ass. Instead he used the stall wall as a rubbing post for his turd-encrusted ass. The poor janitors had to spray down the wall and scrub with disinfectant.

I never looked at Pat the same way again. I would look at him and try to imagine how his arm could reach around his girth for a good wipe. I believe that it was a physical impossibility for him to wipe.



Let’s now move to an oldie but goody, the low tech but tried and true butt wand. Butt wands come in a large variety of styles, shapes sized and colors.


Called the Ample Sponge, these intrepid and robust bad boys are some of the earliest commercially available butt wands. This style butt wand was invented by NAAFA’s founder and owner of Ample Stuff the great Bill Fabrey. Bill had the correct vision for fat acceptance which was based on the accommodation of gluttony and obesity and not denial of its challenges.



Another contender in the growing but competitive butt wand market is the Bottom Buddy. Unlike the ample sponge, the Bottom Buddy uses standard toilet paper that can be easily inserted into the tulip shaped head.



Bottom Buddies come in all sizes. It’s too bad the late Billy Mays is not around to pitch these handy helpers in his famous infomercials. I can hear him now, “It’s not clean until it’s Bottom Buddy clean!”




A variation of the kid’s toy the Super Soaker, the battery powered portable bidet is a favorite of NAAFA fat girls and other fat girls from coast to coast. When you see a fat girl and you think her super sized purse is only for food and the food she takes from the all you can eat buffets, think again. The modern fat girl has given up the Zip Lock bag, sponge and bottle brush long ago and traded it in for the stylish and high tech portable bidet.




Toilet paper, salad tongs and a turkey baster are always a winning combination and can work anywhere. If you run out of battery power or there is a black out, a squirt or two with a turkey baster and a few wipes with T.P. (for your bung hole) wrapped around a set of salad tongs and you will good to go.


Due to mobility issues the crapper can be a foreboding place for many a fatling. That’s why many fatlings skip the toilet all together and head straight for the shower. Some will drop trough in the shower, scoop it up with a pooper scooper, toss it in the toilet and use the potable shower head to hose the poop out their nooks and crannies.


When it comes to the super super super obese the mystery is solved as to how they can wipe their massive butts that are for all intents and purposes a meaty massive flab tunnel in a perpetual state of collapse.


Shit eating dogs or SEDs can be trained to lick clean the butts of uber fatlings. Some people are of the mistaken belief that if you own a shit eating dog you’d only have to feed it once but this is myth. I’ve actually made an interesting observation that may help solve this tricky dilemma. Did you notice that many super super super morbidly people own small, well-trained light brown dogs? Think about it my friend, think about it…..


Lyin' Donald: 101 Of Trump's Greatest Lies | Daily Wire



That just about covers it. If any of our fatlings have other suggestions or comments please feel free to let us know your thoughts.



This has been a public service of NAFAM and Bigger Fatter Blog, the leader in fat acceptance.
Too fat? Arms too short? You tell me!

COVID 19 Statistics

United States cases
Updated May 16 at 2:40 PM local
Confirmed
1,473,415
+13,256
Deaths
88,237
+1,019
Recovered
260,146
+5,159


Coronavirus (COVID-19) statistics

United States cases
Updated May 16 at 7:50 PM local
Confirmed
1,496,632
+24,206
Deaths
89,404
+1,260
Recovered
272,386
+13,348
From May 16 2:40 pm  to May 16 7:50 pm 1167 Americans have died from COVID-19. That is over 1000 people every 5 hours who have died from COVID-19. That's over 5000 Americans per day who are killed by COVID-19!

Sorry Trump and sorry MAGAts, COVID 19 is not a hoax so shut your filthy lie holes!


The End

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Gifts for Gluttons

Okay okay I get it it's Christmas but I,Fat Bastard  am inspired by the wonderful and not so wonderful Christmas gifts that I have received. There are some wonderful gifts that will be great appreciated by the fat and greedy glutton but there are some gifts that should never be given to a big fat greedy glutton like me, Fat Bastard.

Greedy gluttonous fatlings should never be gifted with certain gifts such as exercise equipment or footwear with laces. Only loafers for loafers. The positive side of this is that gifts for the greedy glutton are plentiful. We can thank our accommodating fat centric society for all the wonderful things that people like. The list is endless. Booze is never a bad idea but when selecting some sort of alcoholic product for  your glutton make it something special like a liquor such as Southern Comfort or Bailey's Irish Cream. KahlĂșa is always a good idea. You can never go wrong with candy but if you can afford 5 pounds of Godiva chocolates and go for quantity and by a 5 pound box of some other assorted candies. Cheese cheese cheese... There there is a full spectrum of cheeses from good old American cheddar, port wine cheese, Monterey Jack, Brie, Gorgonzola, Limburger, Munster, provolone, Greek feta, and good old fat girl Fromunda cheese.

http://cheesestorecedarhurst.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/baileys_coffee_other.215110825_std.jpg


A favorite of all fatty's is a good old-fashioned hickory farms sampler pack containing crackers sausages hard soft and spreadable cheeses. A good stocking stuffer is a can of cheese whiz. Other than vegetables there are very few foods that fatlings will not eat. In fact, fatlings genetically consider vegetables to be food. Another good choice for a glutton is a gift card to a restaurant fatties like best and they are as follows; Denny's, McDonald's, Olive Garden, O'Charley's, international House of pancakes, Arby's, Burger King,  Hardee's,  KFC, Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel... you get the point.

 A lot of fattys like practical gifts and some of the  practical gifts that come to mind are things like butt wands,  gifts for the bath, portable bidet  for the BBW's,  talcum powder, a showerhead, seatbelt extenders,  a  bib,  loafers and door grease are all good practical gifts that will be appreciated by any glutton.

http://unfatblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/motivator9506082.jpg


 There are also some extravagant gifts that a glutton will just love.  As you know, we fatlings  are plagued by an epidemic of double flushing the toilet.  Sometimes it takes more than a double or even a triple flush will not send the giant herds of a glutton to their final resting place. I, fat bastard have written extensively on methods of unclogging toilets but the ultimate solution for clogged toilets are bigger toilets. There are some very large bariatric toilets that can handle almost any volume of feces of fatlings can put in them. Your glutton will cry tears of joy when he wakes up on Christmas morning and find that Santa and his elves have installed a supersized toilet that can also double as a wading pool for children.

http://www.deadseriousnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/toiletLarge1.jpg



 Perhaps the most favorite automobile of a glutton is a Cadillac Escalade or one of its variants. These giant SUVs are in every way the best motor vehicle for a big fat glutton.

http://l.yimg.com/lj/api/res/1.2/wvjKfH90e2y7JzDifB94bQ--/YXBwaWQ9eWF1dG9zO2g9MzM0O3c9NjEwO2ZpPWZpbGw7cHhvZmY9NTA7cHlvZmY9NTA7/http://l.yimg.com/dv/izp/cadillac_escalade_2wd_2013_exterior_angularfront.jpg
Cadillac Escalade is the Fatillac of Cadillacs