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Hey Fat Bastard!So I didn't make it into the UFL as a Nose Tackle because I would have to be able to run.I'm trying out for minor league hockey, but they said I have to wear the regulation pads, which cover nothing on me. So it's like going out there with no pads, I'm going to get clobbered in no time. Advice?
Belly Boy, think about it. When you are in goal how are they going to get a puck past you? You fill the whole net. All you have to do is sit there and eat. The food at hockey games is great! They have hotdogs and nachos and beer. How great is that. See if you can play for the NY Rangers. They have the best food. Any coach with half a brain will look at you and say, "Not even Gretsky in his prime could get a puck past Belly Boy" You will be the greatest goalie ever.OINK!
Oink oink oink!!Well the problem is that the puck travels at like 100 mph. It will hit my soft body, causing enormous pain and damage to my body. Even my thick layer of blubber cannot withstand that kind of punishment. Yeah, I have pads, but they're the same size as everyone else's.I am so sad about this. If I had Thanksgiving leftovers I would be eating them right now, but instead I am just having some roast beef sandwiches.
I would not worry about the pain BB. Get drunk first and stay drunk. I also think that you can legally wear extra padding.Just imagine the crowd reaction when they slide you onto the ice as the shout "Belly Boy EAT EAT EAT" The announcer says, "In goal for the Rangers is Belly Boy" The crowd would erupt. Hockey players have a lot of female groupies. It's worth a few bruises. The average game has about 40 shots on goal. 20 will hit your pads and 10 will hit your stick and gloves. Most shot are not slap shots. You may get hit with maybe 5 power shots. Then the trainer will shoot you up with morphineI went hog wild on Thanksgiving aka oinks giving. I was invited to my sister's at Noon and then 2:30 at Thinette's and Proud FA's place. I went to both and pigged out and Thinnette gave me a pumpkin cheese cake for a snack later. Then I went to the local food bank for another free meal at 4. I went back to Proud FA's for Irish coffee and more desert. All I can say is OINK OINK OINK GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE
Oink oiinnnk.So I actually decided to become a hockey enforcer. Those are the guys who fight. Since I weigh so much, it is impossible for them to both balance on the ice and to be able to hit my head. I shall fling them to the ground, no need for punches. I will simply eat, drink, and fling my way into the NHL.
You could pancake any hockey thug. Get one up against the glass and crush him.You probably have to get those double bladed skates or even triple bladed skates so that you won't slice up the ice. Why not be a goalie and an enforcer? The goalie can get away with murder and they send another player to the penalty box. With you in goal it wouldn't matter because nobody will get a puck past you.I can here the crowd now... belly belly! BELLY! BELLY!!
There is another problem with you being an enforcer. If you are well fed and have a nice buzz going you are not going to feel like fighting. They may have to starve you for an hour so that you are really hungry. That would suck! I mean SUCK!What I suggest is right before a game have them feed you raw meat. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
How inspiring. This would definitely make me not worry about eating what I love to eat. Thank you.
After you leave a comment EAT!