Thursday, December 27, 2012


Let's face it, Ebenezer Scrooge had a point and if it weren't for him having a living shit scared out of him by three terrifying spirits he would never have stopped his famous bah humbug litany. Even if Ebenezer Scrooge had not been a miserly man he still would've hated Christmas.

Let's carefully examine Christmas.

If it were not for all the gluttonous food and copious amounts of alcohol Christmas would suck for everybody except for kids and greedy corporate merchandizers. Certainly it is the apex of the gluttony season only to wind down at New Year's when many people make a resolution to cease their gluttonous behavior… We all know how long that lasts.
I like vulgarity is much as the next guy but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing and vulgarity for the sake of vulgarity truly is too vulgar. It's not worth the price. Again, only people who really benefit from Christmas other than to greedy corporations are the children but let's be honest here, kids are overrated and the vulgur showering of gifts only turns them into brats. The less fortunate children get crappy gifts from some feel-good charity and that makes them think that Santa Claus is a real douche bag but as far as mythical beings go, Santa Claus beats the hell out of Jesus Christ.

The part of Christmas that pisses me off the most are the crowds. Everything and every place is crowded with nasty pushy people. It's not just the stores like Kmart and Walmart that are crowded it is also the restaurants and that pisses me off. It takes longer to get your food and very often there are a lot of crabby mothers with their bratty kids in tow. When I sit down for a nice meal of fast food delight I don't want a bunch of bitchy moms and screaming kids wrecking my gluttonous experience with all the bitching and whining. Hire a babysitter or shut the fuck up God dammit!

What really is the clincher for me is that everybody gets sick with a cold or the flu. The greedy doctors count on this and cash in. They failed to inform people that proper humidification of their homes and simply wearing a dust mask like they do in Japan will stop the spread of pathogens that cause the flu and the common cold that can lead to pneumonia and death. 

There are some strategies that you can employ if you insist on celebrating Christmas. Shop online. The words, "in the comfort of your own home" are music to the ears of any self-respecting slothful glutton like me Fat Bastard. Yes indeed, online shopping can be great. I, Fat Bastard order products and have been shipped to the people that I want to gift. This eliminates the need for wrapping and delivering the gifts. This also eliminates the need to fight the holiday crowds. Proud FA had a wonderful strategy when he was still porking fat girls. Proud FA would pick up $20 gift cards for McDonald's and Cracker Barrel and present them to his favorite sows he was porking at the time.

My advice for surviving the holiday season is to avoid family. So that means getting a lot of invitations to the homes of friends. My favorite refuge for Christmas is with my best friend Proud FA and his lovely fiancée Thinnette. They have in the past asked me to play Santa Claus and I complied but over the last few years I've declined playing the role of Santa because I don't want a bunch of germy kids crawling all over me and pissing me off. This year was an exception. Thinnette, her skinny sister and a few of her hot female friends dressed as elves so I, fat bastard, decided to don my Santa suit and play the role of jolly old St. Nick.
Keeping with my usual tradition of Christmas survival, I got really smashed. Thinnette and the other elves put on an impressive spread of food and many many types of alcoholic beverages. I started things out with a couple of Tom and Jerry's along with a few rum balls. Then I moved to the egg nog. The sexy elves made a huge bowl of delicious chocolate and I downed three or 4 cups of that. I was just getting warmed up. Proud FA broke out a large job of homemade applejack. It was about 40 proof and it went down like butter...smoooooooooth!
Much to our surprise our good friend the chef showed up with one of his fine ladies in five or six expertly rolled joints of the finest sticky green money could buy. After smoking some of the Chef's finest weed (for medicinal purposes only) I announced that it was time for me to make a pitcher of stingers. For those of you who don't know a properly made Stinger is comprised of two parts brandy and one part of cream deminthe stirred with shaved ice.

The way we celebrate Christmas is the right way to celebrate Christmas. We get together in a very stress-free environment and eat like pigs and drink like fish. Another dear friend of mine became so fed up with Christmas and all the family bullshit that he told his family he was going to Miami for Christmas but instead he took refuge with some Jewish friends. What he did was celebrate the way Jews celebrate Christmas. He went to a movie and afterwards he joined his friends for Chinese food in a place called Lee Ho Foo's and like the song says you're very large dish peeked chow mein. If you don't have friends like proud FA and his fiancée and if you have Jewish friends you would be wise to spend Christmas with them because the movie followed by Chinese food and some plum wine beats dealing with family bullshit every time.

I hope this helps.

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