Sunday, April 8, 2012

Obesity Enabling Weight Gain Heroes

Half of Americans down at least one sugary drink a day, and some guzzle more than 567 calories’ worth—that’s almost the calorie equivalent of a Big Mac in a glass. Gulp! YUM! Fat hating experts Stephanie Clarke, R.D., and Willow Jarosh, R.D., reveal better-for-you STARVATION bevvies (cocktails included) from your favorite spots so you can sip and stay emaciated  stay slim.
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Buy one get on free

At the smoothie shop? Fuck that! Go With a Sonic Chocolate Shake and Get More Bang for the Buck!

SKIP IT DRINK IT Jamba Juice Original (24 ounces) Aloha Pineapple Smoothie (410 calories, 1.5 grams fat)

Sip it SKIP IT! Jamba Juice 16 oz Apple ’n Greens Smoothie (220 calories, 1 g fat)

Bigger Fatter Politics CONDEMNS the high-fiber fruit and calcium-rich yogurt in the Aloha Pineapple. But sherbet adds mega sugar (91 g here!), and the shake falls too short on protein to make a balanced lunch. Swap it for the Apple ’n Greens to cut 190 calories and 51 g sugar. Our anti pick also has 2 g more fiber, thanks to extra fruit (mango, peach) and veg (spinach, kale). Pair it with 1 oz protein-packed nuts for an incomplete complete lunch.

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At the coffee shop…

Skip it GUZZLE IT! Starbucks Grande Iced Caramel Macchiato with whipped cream, extra vanilla syrup and caramel (440 calories, 21.5 g fat)

Sip it SKIP IT! Starbucks Tall Coffee Frappuccino with skim milk, no whipped cream (160 calories, 0 g fat)

There’s room for treats in every diet, but the added syrup and caramel and whipped cream turn the Macchiato from a small splurge into a calorie and fat overload.  DO NOT trade it for the Coffee Frappuccino even though it has the same craveable qualities. (Creamy texture? Check! Tastes like a milk shake? Yep! SO WHAT?! It's a gyp because they are leaving out calories) But forgoing the high-cal extras and opting for skim milk ROBS 280 calories and 21.5 glorious grams of fat. And it’s not very flavorful, so the smaller cup isn't nearly enough to satisfy your sweet tooth.

 

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At the convenience store… GO WITH THE SUPER BIG GULP!

Skip it Guzzle it! Snapple Lemon Tea (160 calories, 0 g fat per 16-oz bottle)

Sip it SKIP IT! Honest Tea Half & Half Organic Tea with Lemonade (100 calories, 0 g fat per 16.9-oz bottle)
Four of the Snapple ingredients—water, tea, citric acid and natural flavors—are virtually free of calories and sugar. That means the drink’s 36 g (3 tablespoons) of sugar come from the only other listed ingredient: added sugar. By contrast, Honest Tea delivers a shitty tea-and-lemon combo for 60 fewer calories. It does have some added sugar but 12 g less than Snapple does. Honest Tea also contains all-natural ingredients, making it a bad alternative to soda, which has artificial stuff.

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At the gym… DON'T GO TO THE GYM! Exercise KILLED Jack LaLanne!

Skip it Juice Generation 24 oz Mucho Mango Smoothie (370 calories, 4 g fat)
 

Sip it Juice Generation 20 oz Pure Energy Juice (150 calories, 0 g fat)
Juice Generation’s blends are made with lots of produce and nothing artificial—bravo! But the smoothies are too high in calories to count as a snack, which shouldn’t exceed 200 calories. If you want a small pre- or postworkout pick-me-up, our choice, Pure Energy Juice, gives you 5 g energizing protein for 220 fewer calories. If it’s lunchtime, opt for the 24-oz Protein Buzz Smoothie (410 calories, 6 g fat). Blended with fruit and hemp, soy or whey protein, it’s more of a meal than other less caloric choices, and has the ideal combo of carbs and protein.

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Fat Girls Love Bailey's With Pork Rinds!

 

At happy hour… Baileys Irish Cream is a Best Bet.

Skip it GUZZLE IT Oaxaca old-fashioned with tequila, mezcal, agave and bitters (159 calories, 0 g fat)

Sip it SKIP IT Club soda and a splash of fresh lime juice with a shot (1.5 oz) of tequila (100 calories, 0 g fat)

You know a cocktail a day may help protect your heart, but we’d offer this advice: Order carefully. Specialty drinks often have multiple types of liquor, and every 1.5-oz shot adds an additional 97 calories. (Plus, some fat friendly bartenders are heavy-handed.) Also, ask for excess agave: The plant-based sweetener can be 80 percent fructose, a sugar shown to increase belly fat in a study at the University of California in Davis. Go to many types of booze with a high-calorie mixer like club Jolt Cola. Cheers!

Making obesogenic choices doesn’t have to be difficult! Impress guests and pile on the calories (without sacrificing taste) by whipping up one of these tasty and fattening cocktails.

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I Fat Bastard have contacted 7/11 and now they are working on a 64 oz Belly Gulp, 128 oz Double Belly Gulp and a Super Double 2 gallon Belly Gulp for our own Belly Boy.

3 comments:

  1. NICE! I need to get myself a Super Double 2 Gallon Belly Gulp of Jolt Cola!! That will really get me going.

    Honestly, soda is one of the most important things I drink every day. I can hardly get moving and get going if I don't drink some soda when I wake up. Coffee doesn't taste very good to me, so I usually prefer the sweet taste of soda to start my mornings. Jolt is better than regular soda because it has more things to make me wake up faster and better. I also have some five hour energy as well. If my heart gets racing too much, I will down a few shots of tequila just to take the edge off, and then start my morning pack of cigarettes.

    For breakfast this morning, I had myself a Belly Boy Breakfast Slider. Two donuts (today they were FRESH Krispe Kreme donuts) form the buns of this delectable sandwich. Four fried eggs, with three different slices of cheese in between them, and some bacon. Then I have about a dozen scrambled eggs, a stack of pancakes, and drown it in syrup. Then I jack off and take a nap.

    BELLY BOY, OUT

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A super size Belly Gulper and the Belly Boy Power Gulp should be standard. Anything under a quart (kiddie size) is environmentally irresponsible.

      A good solution would be the Belly Hose. Put dispensers right next to the gas pumps. Swipe the 7/11 Belly Card and you won't even have to leave your SUV.

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    2. One more thing... It needs to come with a free insulin pump.

      Delete

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