Fat Bastard's Practical Guide to Women

Yeah yeah yeah I already know what you're thinking, "how can you, Fat Bastard give advice about relationships when the only place you've ever had your dick is in your hand or some skinny hooker?" Let me put it to you this way, how can a priest give marital advice when the only place he's had his dick is in some altar boy's ass? The fact is, I have become an expert on women. When you're a fat guy like me can't get many dates but your friends who are dating come to you and discuss problems and their relationships with you. That makes me an expert and not only that I am fat and wise so therefore I, Fat Bastard am presenting

Fat Bastard's Practical Guide to Women.

Let's start with the first basic premise regarding women. With few exceptions, they are all nuts. You need to know that going in. Don't debate it just accept it.  This is not some urban legend, this is a scientific certainty as immutable as the laws of physics. Between their fluctuating hormones to their the notion of the Golden uterus privilege and less accountability; it's no wonder that so many of them are nuts. This is why we call them bitches.

We're going to start with 100 points and we're going to add and subtract that figure. Keep in mind that any woman who has one to 100 or more points should be considered for relationship. Any woman with zero or negative points is a perpetual trip on the crazy train.

Let's start with the physical attributes first. The only reason for marrying an ugly woman is so that when she leaves you you'll be happy.

How she takes care of her body also goes to the stewardship of her brain. Lean and fit women tend to be more emotionally stable and nicer than fat girls.

If her body mass index is between 18 and 20 had 20 points. If her body mass index is between 20 and 22 add 15 points. If her body mass index is between 22 and 24 add 10 points. If she is above 25 BMI and you will have to start subtracting points.

OINK!

If she's chubby now you can only expect that she will get fatter. A lot of women are at their best physically when they are trying to trap a man and once they trap their prey they blimp out. If she's slightly overweight subtract 10 points. If she is more than slightly overweight subtract 20 points. If she's what would you consider fat but gives really good head subtract 30 points. Thar she blows but not good enough to justify her excess blubber. If she's obese subtract 100 points and arm yourself with a harpoon. DO NOT I Repeat do not get her pregnant! If you love children DO NOT get a fat girl knocked up! Fat girls make horrible mothers! When in doubt pull out!

Does she have fake breasts? Some men may like them but most men don't. Who wants a woman with a pair of bolt ons? Women can be pretty fucked up when it comes to their tits. If they have melons they end up getting a breast reduction but if they have munchkins the end up going to melons. If they have curly hair they get it straightened and if they have straight hair they get a curled. Don't even try to understand. If a woman is not a fat slob and she should be happy with your body the way it is and so should you. If she's had breast surgery deduct 10 to 30 points.

It's true, anything over a mouthful is wasted and besides members of the Itty  Bitty Titty Committee have more sensitive nipples.

Is she into physical fitness? If she is add 25 points but if she's a couch potato subtract 20 points. This goes to a lot of things. Generally women who work out have more testosterone. Women with higher levels of testosterone tend to have a greater degree of sanity and a higher sex drive. Women who work out simply look better, feel better and fuck better.



               






Now for the Psychosocial Stuff
 

Is she a feminist? On the surface feminism seems like a good idea but in reality most women who are feminists are usually ugly fat man hating flakes who don't shave under their arms, their legs or their beavers. Feminists women are losers for the most part ad they are too miserable to even get a diesel dyke to lick their crotches. If she's an extreme feminist subtract 75 points. If she's a moderate feminist subtract 50 points. If she's slightly feminist and is willing to do three ways with you and one of her girlfriends add 50 points.


Does she have kids and are the kids brats? If her kids are extreme brats subtract 50 points. If they are moderately bratty subtract 25 points. If they are slightly bratty subtract 10 points. A baren womb can be a good thing. If she has no kids add 20 points.

What about her ex-husband if she has one? He may have gotten rid of her or she may have gotten rid of him. If she constantly puts him down and blames him than chances are he get rid of her and he had good reason to do so. If that's the case subtract 40 points. If the husband was a known brute and she got rid of him that she will appreciate a nice guy but should be well-trained enough not to try to walk all over you. Add 20 points.

Does she give good head? The key word here is give. Women who give head tend to be very giving and other ways. There is a saying that goes like this; you can beat a drum, you can beat in egg and you can beat your wife but you can't beat a blow job. Normally I don't like truisms but this is it a truism. This is undeniable. If she doesn't give head deduct 30 points. If she doesn't love giving head and sucks at it (no pun intended) deduct five points or more. If she gives head often and it's good add 10 points. If she lives to give head and it is outstanding add 30 points. If she lives to give head and it is outstanding and she deep throats add 50 points.

Is she inhibited? If you don't mind boring and you may be okay with that but if fun, adventure and variety is important to you and out of the bedroom then you should subtract 10 to 50 points depending on your needs, wants and desires. Think of it as buying a car. Maybe you're okay with a minivan or maybe you'd prefer some sort of sporty sedan but perhaps you have a real need for speed and you want a Ferrari. If you want to Ferrari just make sure you could drive it when it's meant to be driven, otherwise she may find herself with a Mario Andretti in the sack. Not only that, all your friends want to be taking her for a spin.

Is she materialistic? When I, fat bastard, hire a hooker I don't pay her for sex, I pay her to leave. A materialistic woman is like a hooker you pay for with rapidly compounding interest. When men are in a sexual relationship with a woman they pay for that piece of fur one way or another. If she's materialistic why not just hire a hooker. It could cost you far less in the long run. If she is only slightly materialistic and you don't mind that then you can scratch that off your list of qualifications.

Ask not what you can do for her as what she will do for you.

Have you met her mother and father? Keep in mind that the mother is the daughter's female role model. If the mother is a fruitcake chances are the daughter is but if the mom is a real sweetheart and her dad seems happy with her chances are you will be too. If her mother is a sweetheart, keeps a nice home and treats her father well add five to 20 points based on your best judgment. If the mom is a shrew deduct 20 points but pencil it in.

Is she driven? This can be a good or bad thing but in many cases it's a bad thing if you want to have a happy relationship with the woman. A lot of pussy whipped men and man hating feminists don't want to hear this but a woman's priority should be her family and that includes her man. This is true for men but to a lesser degree. Women who are highly driven can also drive you nuts. If you are a strongly driven man chances are of relationship with a strongly driven woman will not work out. Highly driven people need a soft Place to fall at the end of the day and I can't think of a softer place or better place to fall face first than in a pair of tits or a hot juicy pussy. One of the reasons Hollywood relationships don't work out is that both people in relationship are driven.

Is she a Republican? If so, all I need to say is Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter. Republicanism is a mental illness. It's been proven. Make no mistake there are no more Betty Fords or Pat Nixons. Do you know what Republican women do with their asshole every morning? They straighten their ties and send them to work and then they fuck the pool boy.

This is no joke! Republicans are fucking nuts. Science has proven that Republicanism really is a mental illness. Combine an insane philosophy with estrogen and you get Sara Palin and Ann Coulter. Republicans should be spayed and neutered.

The status of her mental health cannot be stressed strongly enough. Many women are FUBAR. That means Fucked Up Beyond All Repair. You may want to believe that these types are salvageable but they are not. Unless you like sticking your head into a meat grinder you will avoid these types of women.

While it is a given that women are nuts some are a lot more nuts than others. Not only are they plagued with wildly fluctuating hormones and inadequate socialization, they are simply more prone to organic mental illnesses such as bipolar mania, PMS, PMDD, Panic/Anxiety disorders and true clinical depression. To make matters worse many women who do not have these forms of mental illness are still on medication which can make them nuttier than they would be without it. If a woman is perimenopausal or in full-blown menopause they are often prescribed drugs such as Paxil and Prozac the same drugs involved in most mass shootings and suicides. That can be like adding high test gasoline to fire. If she's on psych meds that should be a huge red flag. Subtract the minimum of 50 points. Unfortunately menopause is a crapshoot. Rarely the change of life is over a change for the better. Women are like white wine; they don't get better with age. Doctors may tell you that menopause is not a disease. Most men trapped with a hormone hellhound would beg to differ.

This is not to say that a woman with a legitimate mental illness such as schizophrenia, ADD, anorexia nervosa, depression or bipolar mania is completely out of the question for relationship but know what you're getting into and if you are not as patient as Job it can be a very bumpy road.

There's a difference between nuts and mentally ill.  Worse than schizophrenia, ADD, depression or bipolar mania are what the DSM describes as personality disorders. Personality disorders seem to fall into a gray area which is somewhere between psychiatry and morality. One of the worst things about personality disorders is if they are not treatable in most cases. Unlike the behaviors that come with true mental illnesses, personality disorders are often the result of chosen behavior. The only known cure for most personality disorders is no longer legal in America. The cure I'm speaking of is a firm backhand to her's chops.

One of the worst personality disorders is called histrionic personality disorder. You see it all the time. In common parlance women with this disorder are referred to to as drama queens. Wynonna Judd, Carnie Wilson and Star Jones are three prime examples of drama queens. How would like to be saddled with one of those fat psychos? Women with histrionic personality disorder conspicuously seek attention, are dramatic, excessively emotional and are overly concerned about appearance. These women tend to be superficial and are only good for transient relationships. Women with histrionic personality are prone to sexually provocative behavior but often that is mostly a tease for attention. Some women with histrionic personality tend to be hypochondriacs and exaggerate the problems to get the attention they crave

A lot of women are vain. If you don't believe me just look at all the stupid magazines that are dedicated to them. And many women that are vulgar vanity gets blown out of proportion and becomes narcissistic personality disorder. While it is nice to have a woman in your arm looks hot you don't not want one who is narcissistic.

Women with narcissistic personality disorder think they're better than everybody else and are constantly seeking to have their egos stroked while at the same time they lack empathy. While it may seem fun at first have a woman who is narcissistic because you think it might drive her to look good for you you'll find it gets very tiresome. Narcissistic women are very demanding and extremely high maintenance. In common parlance these women are referred to as bitches.

Many women have what is called antisocial personality disorder. There is debate as to whether these women are sociopaths are psychopaths. Many of them have mixed features of all personality disorders and two prime examples of that are Casey Anthony and Jodi Arias. While antisocial personality disorder is more common among males females seem have their own special version of it.

Perhaps the worst all the personality disorders is one called borderline personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder is almost exclusive to women. These women are unstable in their self-image, moods and behavior and interpersonal relationships. A good way of describing borderline personality disorder and how it manifests itself is to imagine a bratty incouragable child in an adult body. Unfortunately the cure for borderline personality is no longer legal in most states. It involves firm backhand to her chops.

If a woman has any of the personality disorders you'd be wise to subtract 200 to 300 points. If on the other hand she has a personality disorder and a terminal illness along with in the state where it several million dollars then add 400 points and find the nearest justice of the peace and marry her.

Mood swings often go with the territory but there is help sans psychiatric medications. You may have married a real sweet heart only to find that as years when on and as her ovaries became more erattic so did her moods. Mood swings are almost always hormonal. You can try putting her on hormone replacement therapy but as long as those nasty ovaries are there pumping out that hell hormone estrogen keeping her in balance will be very difficult. When she no longer needs ovaries get rid of them. The only positive thing ovaries do is produce eggs for fertilization. If they were eggs you could eat that would be one thing but these eggs are only for baby making. There is no reason for her to keep her ovaries. Removing them is easy and she will be healthier both mentally and physically for removing them.

You will have to decide how many points to deduct if she has mood swings depending of the severity and the duration.  If she has had an oophorectomy (had her ovaries removed) add 50 points. This means that she will never be OTR (on the rag) so barring some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain she will probably be emotionally stable.

Some Things That Don't Matter All That Much

Some men prefer blondes while others prefer brunettes or redheads but in the grand scheme of things things like hair color really don't matter and besides women can dye their hair. Ask yourself, does it really matter if the carpet doesn't match the drapes? Besides a dark haired woma who dies he hair blonde but leaves he eyebrows dark looks really slutty and the best women are sluts.

Let's say a woman is somewhat lacking in the social graces. Should it even be a consideration? Look what Henry Higgins did with Liza Doolittle. Your male friends will like a girl like her even if she doesn't know which fork to use so long as she's not a bitch. People said Betty Ford had no class but at least Gerald Ford got some ass. If their wives judge her for not being a member of the hoi polloi she can get her revenge by looking hotter than them and reminding them of what they can never be. Women are fast learners.



Race should not be a consideration either. I recently wrote about female Star Trek  cast members. I posed the classic Gilligan's Island question, who is hotter, Ginger or Marianne. This was a tossup for me but if I had to pick one it would be Lt. Uhura but I could just easily change my mind and pick T"Pol played by the boner inducing Jolene Blalock or counselor Deanna Trois played by the sizzling Maria Sitis.

What matters most of all is if she is loving, honest, obedient and stable. If even one of these three attributes is missing don't even have a second date and save your money for a hooker or a strip club.

Some Alternatives 

Transwomen

She's a multi talented singer, actress, teacher and fellow blogger. You can check out her site at Alexandra Billings.com or her blog Stillettos and Sneakers to learn more about this talented lady.

Trans women they are hormonally stable, many end up looking better than the "real" thing, they're never on the rag and they can't get knocked up!

AIS Woman Phoebe Hart

Women with AIS look and feel like typical women, and in every practical, social, legal, and everyday sense they are women, even though congenitally they have testes and XY chromosomes, and can never bear children.  The fact that a "woman" has AIS and is genetically a "male" is often not discovered until puberty, when she does not start to menstruate and a gynaecological examination reveals the syndrome.

Finding an AIS woman for most men would be like hitting the jackpot! Imagine that! The perfect woman is a man! They are never on the rag and they will never rag on you!

It is rumored that Jamie Lee Curtis is an AIS woman. She's smokin fucken HOT!

ANOTHER AIS WOMAN JENNA PINCOTT

 Her website When the Perfect Woman Is a Man.

Do not succumb to her pussy power or be intimidated by the golden uterus myth when you have alternatives.  Take back the power. Click here to find out why God wants women to shut the fuck up and make you a sandwich.

Care and Feeding of the Adult Female

Now that you have assessed your aggravation tolerance and have finally selected a mate you need to learn the basics of the care and feeding.  Now that you have her you need to determine how much discipline and grooming she may need. While some women are low maintenance most are not-- especially these days. Think of yourself as the Dog Whisperer  Ceasar Milan and think of her as a snarling crazed pitbull that needs to be domesticated. She's not a pup so she is not coming to you as a blank slate. She will have a lot of crazy notions in her head that need to be confronted and erased. Add that to the wildly fluctuating hormones and the polluted social enironmental exposure and you will soon find that there is a lot of unlearning that needs to take place.

Assert Your Dominance

With all political correctness aside men need to return to some basic truths. Males in every species of mammals are superior to females in both strength and brains. In the human species many people think that men are women are equal. That's bullshit! If men were equal to women physically and intellectually humans would still be living in caves. Infact the human race would not have survived.



Don't buy the popular notion that women are hard to understand because they are emotionally more sophisticated than men. They want you to believe that their irrational nature is some mysterious thing that is far too complex for a mere man to understand. That's a ploy. Call them on it. Don't step into that quagmire. Assert your dominance, make them cry, make them submit to your logic and fuck their brains out. There is a reason every hen house has a rooster. Rule the roost!

King of the Castle

Women love and hate having power but the problem is they can't handle it.  Women fight among themselves. A lot of that infighting is due their socialization issues and the rest is due to erratic hormonal balance. The crazies on the View are a prime example of that. They can't or won't control their irrational emotions. Those hens need a rooster to set the pecking order. If there was a manly man for those bitch to swoon over the show might be worth watching.  Males quickly establish a pecking order and everyone is happy and calm because of it. Any power a woman has must be granted by the man. This does not mean that women need to ask permission to assert their autonomy, it does mean that men should never ask for permission and that in the final analysis men should always have veto power. In other words even if the man is wrong he's right.

Women's Tears = Emotional Blackmail

Most women can cry on cue and since it takes a major traumatic event for a man to cry such as getting caught in a bear trap or losing that 10 pound Muskie just inches from the boat, men tend to fall for the crying shit. Just as easily as you can turn on a water faucet they can turn on the tears and try to scald you emotionally with them. Women turn on the water because it works. That's why it's called the waterworks.

Don't take the bait. They are not hurt. They are simply trying to win by fighting unfairly. Here is a list of strategies for dealing with a whiney girl.

1. Shut the fuck up bitch I'm trying to watch TV. This lets them know that they are annoying you. Shut the fuck up is tried and true. Practice by starting out with a soft but firm tone and increase volume until they STFU. Shut the fuck up!  Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

2. Are you done yet? This will quickly snap them out of it and into anger because you have called their bluff. When they see that they cannot manipulate them with the soggy hanky routine they will stop doing it. When they no longer get the payoff (making you feel like crap) they will stop the behavior.

3. Mock them. Ridiculous behaviors call for ridiccule. Give them a cold hard smack of logic severed with a tall ice cold glass of shut up juice. Break out the world's smallest violin and play her a tune as you roll your eyes and shake your head. Then tell her to go to the fridge and get you a fucking beer. If she hands it to you unopened give her the look. Handing you an unopened beer is just plain wrong.

4. Spank them. Spanking a bratty woman is fun on several levels and when she feels grounded and sexualized by the experience she will begin to crave it. Even if you don't get off on it sexually you will appreciate the act of meting out justice. Give her something to cry about!

Spanking is a valid therapy for depression and anxiety and it is much better for them than Paxil and more fun for you. Spanking cures a wide variety of mental disorders. Here the proof! Russian scientists at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine are claiming a beating on the naked buttocks with a cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to alcoholism to bitch wife syndrome.

5. Create competition.  Women hate other women expecially if the other women are attractive. If they are slender and attractive it drives them nuts. If other women are slender, attractive, intelligent and are not a bitch the psycho woman's irrational hate for her will be beyond manical. If you have a freind with a sane and sexy wife invite them over for visits. This way your wife will see what woman is supposed to be and she will then try to compete but not because she wants to look good and act civilized for you but because she hates the idea that most men think she's a slug and would pick a woman like your freind's wife over her. Just like when Ceasar Milan puts an unruly dog in with his pack of dogs for socialization having a properly socialized women around will help you wife become socialized.

It may also be a good idea to glue a picture of her and a hottie on the fridge so that when she is in pig mode the competition button will be pressed. One of the hottest women on the planet is Brock Lesnar's wife Sable. When she was a WWE diva her motto was, "Men want to see me and women want to be me" and in spite of her trying to establish a heel persona for her character men still cheered her because what Sable said was the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. Do you think Brock Lesnar would marry a bitch?

Chances are your friend's wife was just born sane or her father was a manly man and her mother was a womanly woman but either way her presence will have a positive effect on your mate especially if you compliment her and tell your friend what a luck stiff he is for having such a great wife. Have you male friends exclaim in front of your wife how hot they think you friends wife is and how she's the perfect woman. Have your friend sing her praises as well. This will get her competitive juices flowing. Remember if she starts improving she is not doing it for you. Her reasons are to be better than you friend's wife.