Fat Bastard's Favorite Things

Like most fat guys my two favorite things are food and skinny women but one of my other favorite things are dogs and the meaner the better.

What's black and brown and looks great on a Republican/child molester? A Doberman!

When it come to ass kicking dogs the go for the throat Doberman Pinscher is the Cadillac of guard/attack dogs. Some may argue that the German Shepherd is the consummate attack dog but in a fight the Doberman would make quick work of a German Shepherd and the Doberman has far more bite force. Dobermans also have a very intimidating look and bearing.

Dobermans instinctively go for the throat and don't let go. These dogs are killers.

Check out those impressive fangs and that powerful neck on this majestic flesh shedding machine. If this bad boy sinks his choppers into your carcass you will have about as much of a chance of surviving an attack as a chicken fried steak at a NAAFA convention.

When Dobermans growl people listen!

Don't get me wrong, there are other great attack dogs like the Rottweilers that possess one of the most powerful bites of all dogs as well as being very intimidating. Like the Doberman, the Rottweiler has plenty of knockdown power and it's a great finisher in a combative situation.

Unleash the furry fury!

A Rottweiler's handiwork!

Another really vicious dog that few people have heard of is the Gordon Setter aka Scottish Setter. Normally when people think of setters they think of the goofy Irish Setter or the pain in the ass English Setter. While the Gordon Setter looks a lot like the English and Irish Setter it's temperament is quite different.

Don't let its dumb look fool you. Gordon Setters love to bite. If you have a problem with a neighbor's cat a Gordon Setter will make quick work of a cat. These dog's are a cat's worst nightmare. Unlike its fearless English and Irish cousins this dog is fearless out of bravery and not stupidity. Turning an Irish Setter mean is nearly impossible but Gordon Setters can be meaner than cat piss and that's mean! Get a Gordon Setter pissed off enough and it will chew through a chain link fence!

A lot of breeders will tell you that Gordon Setters are good gun dogs and this is true but they will also go on to say that they are gentle and while they have a "soft mouth" they are also a good attack dog.

If you are looking for sheer size and power the Caucasian Shepherd is the juggernaut of attack/guard dogs. This horse size dog is nearly as big as the giant wolves in the movie Twilight. Nobody will fuck with you when they see you with monster dog. This great big son of a bitch will scare the shit out of anyone. While it may be true that it's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog -- when a dog has both size and spirit it's a clear winner.

You can put a saddle on this bear-like canine and your kids can ride it. Don't let it's dumb look fool you. This powerful pooch can not only bite a bad guy it can knock him out cold.

It takes a monster BBW to handle this monster dog!

Enter the Pit Bull

The much maligned Pit bull can best be described as the all American all purpose dog. A Pitbull gives you a lot of bang for the buck. If you need to put the bite on some scumbag you can't do much better than a Pitbull. Many people are under the mistaken impression that the Pitbull's strength is its bite and locking jaw feature but what makes the Pitbull a true champ when it comes to attacking is its fierce tenacity and fearlessness. When on the attack the relentless Pitbull is the energizer bunny of dogs.

After hearing about how the honey badger can kill a Cape Buffalo these determined Pitbulls will not be outdone by a glorified rodent. These champions of chomp are out to prove that they are every bit a brave and ferocious as the legendary Honey Badger. Like the Honey Badger  Pit Bulls "don't give a shit."

Don't mistake a German Shepherd's licking of your face to be a doggy kiss. What he's actually doing is basting you for later!

Last but not least is the German Shepherd.

You can't go wrong with a German Shepherd, the industry standard for attack/guard dogs. A German Shepherd can slice and dice with the best of them. Rin Tin Tin may have been a pussy but most German Shepherds make outstanding attack dogs. While they may lack the tenacity of the Pitbull and power of the Rottweiler and Doberman, German Shepherds can be easily trained to neutralize most threats. German Shepherds and their Shepherd cousins are a total package.

What these dogs lack in size and ferociousness they make up for in speed, agility, and intelligence.

Addendum: There is a lot of controversy regarding bite force in ft/lbs of the various breeds. Click here to read about the latest research regarding bite force of dogs.

Cops stealing a few winks after an exhaustive chase.

Update: There is a mistaken belief among security firms and law enforcement that the dog/canine is the only suitable service animal. This is wrong thinking. Africans use hyenas and hyenas have a bite force of 1100 PSI which is nearly twice that of a lion. The problem with hyenas is that they are not as smart as dogs and much tougher to train. Law enforcement has ignored the noble pig as a service animal. A boar is much stronger, tougher, meaner and smarter than a dog and what a boar lacks in speed it makes up in other areas.

Since most police departments employ cops who are nicknamed pigs by an admiring public the next logical step is to retire the dog to civilian use for the blind and disabled. With Americans increasing in weight a lowly German Shepherd lacks the oomph to take down most fatties. You have to meet bulk with bulk and pigs can get huge. Today's cops would be much better served and would serve the public better with pigs as back up. Can you imagine a dog trying to stop a raging BBW? An angry BBW can merely swat a dog aside like they do their bastard children.

Cops have now embraced the idea of being called pigs with PIG meaning Prestige Integrity and Guts.

High on the hog! Blue knight on a pink pig!

The pig can also replace the police horse. A cop chasing a suspect on a pig will have a quicker dismount and his mighty steed, the pig, then becomes an instant partner who can go onto tackling the criminal while the cop does the tazering and beating.

Dog about to get its ass kicked!

The Pigasus Project

Along with Alex Jones and Glenn Beck our investigative reporters Rotunda Hindenburg and Joe Eatin have uncovered the secretive Pigasus project. Think Obama's drones are bad? Flying pigs with Karl Rove's DNA are already spying on Americans. NATO and other forces plan to crash flying pigs into mosques making the harum to all Muslim by contaminating them with splattered pig remains. Code named Pigasus flying pigs are being deployed on every continent except for Antarctica.

Pigasus is part of a multi-national global initiative whose purpose is not yet fully understood. We do know that flying pigs are already replacing the more expensive pilot-less drones. What their exact purpose is remains a mystery. We suspect this is some sort of secretive sow surveillance.

The Pig Dog!

This sire is a fat admirer.

A hybrid may be a solution.  A pig/dog hybrid has both the attributes of the pig and the dog and it could also serve as a good role model for today's law enforcement professional.

Experiments have been underway for years to create a successful pig/dog. Results so far have been promising but mixed.

In the Fat Acceptance movement, skinny dogs have always humped sows especially at the NAAFA conventions siring bastard piglets.

From the same litter as the above dog

Cop DNA was used to create this creature but it would not stop gorging on donuts. Further research was abruptly abandoned.

Another failed experiment using cop DNA. This portly pooch to be put down because it robbed a Duncan Donuts and bit the manager.

Early attempts at creating Pigmandog. Research has since been abandoned.

There have been instances of fraud by some unscrupulous breeders (mostly from Monsanto) looking for government grant money!

Pig's curly tail and snout but much too small.

Dr Gus Guttner and researcher Hedda Hogs of Eatmore Labs

Catastrophic Failure

Another promising outcome?

Pigs and dogs are natural lovers!

 

The Man Pig Bear

LAPD is already experimenting with chimera and currently 75% of LAPD cops already have significant amounts of pig DNA... mostly in their brains.

If a police officer gets killed in the line of duty instead of having one of those boring cop funerals with those annoying bagpipes have a hog roast.