Ask Fat Bastard: Fat Bastard On Wives

I Fat Bastard have been known to give sage advice and as a result I get asked a lot of questions.

Jim asks: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Mark asks: What is love? A: The delusion that one woman differs from another. 

Rick asks: What worse than finding out your wife's got cancer? A: Finding out it's curable.

Grant asks: Why do wives like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can't stand to see their husbands have a good time!

Derek asks: Why do wives talk so much? A. Because they have two sets of lips.

Carlo asks: Why did God create lesbians? A: So feminists couldn't breed.

Mike asks: Why did God invent the yeast infection? A: So your wife could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Jerry asks:  Why do wives fake orgasms ? Because they think husbands care.

Tim asks: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.


Chuck asks: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something your wife does while your fucking her.

Dean asks: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year? A: They don't fucking listen.

Frank asks: Why do women close their eyes during sex? A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

George asks: Why do most men die before their wives? A: They want to!

Gilbert asks: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Wedding Cake!

Dave asks: Why can't you trust your wife? A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Bill asks: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Glen asks:  Do you know why wives fake orgasm? A: Because husbands fake foreplay.

Paul asks: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? A: It's Braille for "suck here".