To be a true fatling you need a high FQ (Fattitude Quotient). With help from CG Brady and a few of my gluttonous friends I, Fat Bastard designed a fattitude test or FQ test. Unlike IQ which pretty much remains static your fattitude quotient or FQ can rise and fall throughout your life.
Weight loss guru CG Brady proclaims, “Lose the fattitude lose the fat.” Who wants that?! Other than having weight loss surgery or being in a Nazi death camp the only way to lose weight is to lose the fattitude. We at Bigger Fatter Politics want you to – KNOW YOUR FATTITUDE! At the end of this test we will show you ways to increase your fattitude. Having an accurate measurement of your fattitude is more important than having an accurate measurement of your fat. In the case of the gainer a sober inventory of your essential fattitudes is crucial in making the gains you desire and in the case of the loser aka dieter indentifying and reducing your fattitudes is crucial for weight loss.
The Fattitude Test
This test has a series of statements that will measure your fattitude quotient. Simply respond to the staetments and tally your score. The higher your score the more fattitude you have. On a scale of 1 – 5 rate how true these statements are regarding your fattitudes. 0 = Totally False, 1 = Mostly False, 2 = Slightly True. 3 = Mostly True, 4 = Totally True, 5 = True with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
Answer as honestly as you can.
1. Food is love.
2. I’d rather sit than move.
3. If there were only one channel I could receive on my TV it would be the food network.
4. Flavor means much more to me than nutrition.
5. Food is better than sex.
6. I prize tasty food above good healthy.
7. I prize food above my family.
8. Society should accommodate the special needs of fat people.
9. It is impossible to be too fat.
10. I steal food.
11. I will circle a parking lot in order to save a few steps.
12. I will use a fatty scooter at Walmart even though I don’t really need one.
13. I am or am becoming to fat to wipe my butt but I don’t care.
14. I don’t feel guilty about getting free medical care because of my obesity.
15. Fat people are now the new Niggers.
Tally your score!
What your score means.
0 – 10 = Little to no fattitude. Move to Sparta and worship MeMe Roth.
10 – 20 = A shadow of fattitude. You will eat tasty food as long as it is healthy. You still pick health and social responsibility over food but you will have a slice of birthday cake.
20 – 30 = A loud whisper of fattitude. You did pig out once on Thanksgiving but went straight to the gym on Friday but went for pizza after that. Most of your eating is mindful but you will feast now and again.
30 – 40 = Moderate fattitude. You often have seconds and desert. You say that you rarely eat fast food but that is not true. You still cook often but you avoid rabbit food.
40 – 50 = Major fattitude. You go to fast food restaurants and while you eat salads you add lots of cheese and dressing. You have few meals at the dinner table and rarely use a knife fork or spoon.
50 – 60 = Uber fattitude. You have pig outs with friends regularly and you waddle. Your C-PAP machine is your best buddy.
60 – 70 = Mega fattitude. You have often polished off an entire bag of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies. Food is your God. You really know how to throw your weight around and you do it well. Everytime you take a dump it’s a tripple flusher.
70 – 75 = Ultimate fattitude. You know that vegetables are what food eats. You proudly strut or wheel your fat self around. You are large and in charge. You make Kate Harding look like a fat hater and the patients at the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic look like runts. You have reached the Belly Boy class of obesity and fattitude and you deserve a hearty BOOM SHAKKA LAKKA and a couple of pies.
How to Increase Your Fattitude
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| The Famous Belly Boy Burger |
2. Watch shows about food. Food shows are like porn for fat people. Seeing food and people eating while making yummy sounds increases your desire for food just as watching porn increases your desire for sex.
3. Hang out with fat people and eat with them. This is fun and you will discover new foods and new fat freinds. While it is good to eat alone it’s better to eat with other fatlings. Fattitude is contagious.
4. Use a power chair whether you need it or not. Not only will riding in a power chair or scooter save calories it will increase your sloth. Remember, live smart not hard.
5. Know that you are entitled and get all the freebies that you can. Learning how to milk the system even before you become too fat to work will give you the skills you will need to navigate the social service maze.
Follow these five steps and before you know it you will have supersized your fattitude.
Leave your score in the comments section.
