How Us Fatlings “Reach Back There” by Fat Bastard
|Stranded on the toilet bowl! What do you do when you’re stranded and you don’t have a roll?|
RELATED: CLICK HERE TO WIPE YOUR ASS ON BEN CARSON
It is no secret that many of us fatlings have trouble reaching our butts when we need to wipe but thankfully that will not put most gluttons off their feed. If hygienic toileting is important to you then read on and you will find some valuable tips and tricks for making your trips to the brownie bowel more of a joy and less of a chore.
A good report is only as good as its research so I went to the leading authority on all things poop, The Poop Report. Just like Bigger Fatter Blog is the leading source for all things fat, the folks at The Poop Report are the leading authorities on all things poop. Let’s start with the most obvious question. “How do obese people wipe?” Most people know how Criss Angel walks on water but only fatlings know how fat butts get wiped but even most fatlings do not know all the methods of obese rectal hygiene.
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Some fatlings (jealous fat girls of the old fat acceptance) bristle at the very idea of discussing the challenges we fatling face when it’s time to do the paper work. Dropping a bowl filler can be satisfying but no job is finished until the paperwork is done.
A curious thinling asked the follow question on The Poop Report.
“Dear Poop Report,
How do obese people wipe? I am not trying to be rude…just curious. Also, do they make toilets for people over 300 pounds?”
I, Fat Bastard will answer the second question first. YES!
|ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO|
Many manufactures are making super sized toilets to accommodate the larger butts, heavier weights and the greater fecal volume of fatlings. The Cadillac of super sized toilets is the Great John. This bad boy is so big that it will double as a kiddie pool.
Here is how a jealous fat girl in denial responded to the thinling’s question:
Dee (not verified) —
Fuck you asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 550 pounds and I resent your question. Where do you live? I will come over and sit on your face and shit, and then you can lick my ass clean!!!
A poop expert replied:
Judging from that fat girl’s tone of voice, it sounds to me like she has a lot of trouble wiping. Hence the irritability.
Let’s start with a novel and creative way many fatlings use for wiping their butts in a pubic restroom. Once again the Poop Report provides a wonderful almost zoological report on one clever fatling who uses a men’s room stall like a rubbing post much like a bear uses a tree to leave his scent.
Here is a excerpt from a Poop Report undercover investigation of the fatling who used the stall and a rubbing post.
In talking to the janitors that cleaned the bathrooms at night, I learned that their nickname for Pat was “The Shitter”. You see, Pat was apparently too large to wipe his own ass. Instead he used the stall wall as a rubbing post for his turd-encrusted ass. The poor janitors had to spray down the wall and scrub with disinfectant.
I never looked at Pat the same way again. I would look at him and try to imagine how his arm could reach around his girth for a good wipe. I believe that it was a physical impossibility for him to wipe.
Let’s now move to an oldie but goody, the low tech but tried and true butt wand. Butt wands come in a large variety of styles, shapes sized and colors.
Called the Ample Sponge, these intrepid and robust bad boys are some of the earliest commercially available butt wands. This style butt wand was invented by NAAFA’s founder and owner of Ample Stuff the great Bill Fabrey. Bill had the correct vision for fat acceptance which was based on the accommodation of gluttony and obesity and not denial of its challenges.
Another contender in the growing but competitive butt wand market is the Bottom Buddy. Unlike the ample sponge, the Bottom Buddy uses standard toilet paper that can be easily inserted into the tulip shaped head.
Bottom Buddies come in all sizes. It’s too bad the late Billy Mays is not around to pitch these handy helpers in his famous infomercials. I can hear him now, “It’s not clean until it’s Bottom Buddy clean!”
A variation of the kid’s toy the Super Soaker, the battery powered portable bidet is a favorite of NAAFA fat girls and other fat girls from coast to coast. When you see a fat girl and you think her super sized purse is only for food and the food she takes from the all you can eat buffets, think again. The modern fat girl has given up the Zip Lock bag, sponge and bottle brush long ago and traded it in for the stylish and high tech portable bidet.
Toilet paper, salad tongs and a turkey baster are always a winning combination and can work anywhere. If you run out of battery power or there is a black out, a squirt or two with a turkey baster and a few wipes with T.P. (for your bung hole) wrapped around a set of salad tongs and you will good to go.
Due to mobility issues the crapper can be a foreboding place for many a fatling. That’s why many fatlings skip the toilet all together and head straight for the shower. Some will drop trough in the shower, scoop it up with a pooper scooper, toss it in the toilet and use the potable shower head to hose the poop out their nooks and crannies.
When it comes to the super super super obese the mystery is solved as to how they can wipe their massive butts that are for all intents and purposes a meaty massive flab tunnel in a perpetual state of collapse.
Shit eating dogs or SEDs can be trained to lick clean the butts of uber fatlings. Some people are of the mistaken belief that if you own a shit eating dog you’d only have to feed it once but this is myth. I’ve actually made an interesting observation that may help solve this tricky dilemma. Did you notice that many super super super morbidly people own small, well-trained light brown dogs? Think about it my friend, think about it…..
That just about covers it. If any of our fatlings have other suggestions or comments please feel free to let us know your thoughts.
This has been a public service of NAFAM and Bigger Fatter Blog, the leader in fat acceptance.
Too fat? Arms too short? You tell me!