Tuesday, January 29, 2013

How Do Obese People Wipe Their Butts?

How do Obese People Wipe Their Butts? How to reach back there.

How Us Fatlings “Reach Back There” by Fat Bastard

Stranded on the toilet bowl! What do you do when you’re stranded and you don’t have a roll?


It is no secret that many of us fatlings have trouble reaching our butts when we need to wipe but thankfully that will not put most gluttons off their feed. If hygienic toileting is important to you then read on and you will find some valuable tips and tricks for making your trips to the brownie bowel more of a joy and less of a chore.

A good report is only as good as its research so I went to the leading authority on all things poop, The Poop Report. Just like Bigger Fatter Blog is the leading source for all things fat, the folks at The Poop Report are the leading authorities on all things poop. Let’s start with the most obvious question. “How do obese people wipe?” Most people know how Criss Angel walks on water but only fatlings know how fat butts get wiped but even most fatlings do not know all the methods of obese rectal hygiene.


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Some fatlings (jealous fat girls of the old fat acceptance) bristle at the very idea of discussing the challenges we fatling face when it’s time to do the paper work. Dropping a bowl filler can be satisfying but no job is finished until the paperwork is done.

A curious thinling asked the follow question on The Poop Report.

“Dear Poop Report,

How do obese people wipe? I am not trying to be rude…just curious. Also, do they make toilets for people over 300 pounds?”

I, Fat Bastard will answer the second question first. YES!


Many manufactures are making super sized toilets to accommodate the larger butts, heavier weights and the greater fecal volume of fatlings. The Cadillac of super sized toilets is the Great John. This bad boy is so big that it will double as a kiddie pool.

Here is how a jealous fat girl in denial responded to the thinling’s question:

Dee (not verified) —
Fuck you asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am 550 pounds and I resent your question. Where do you live? I will come over and sit on your face and shit, and then you can lick my ass clean!!!

A poop expert replied:

Judging from that fat girl’s tone of voice, it sounds to me like she has a lot of trouble wiping. Hence the irritability.

Let’s start with a novel and creative way many fatlings use for wiping their butts in a pubic restroom. Once again the Poop Report provides a wonderful almost zoological report on one clever fatling who uses a men’s room stall like a rubbing post much like a bear uses a tree to leave his scent.

Here is a excerpt from a Poop Report undercover investigation of the fatling who used the stall and a rubbing post.

In talking to the janitors that cleaned the bathrooms at night, I learned that their nickname for Pat was “The Shitter”. You see, Pat was apparently too large to wipe his own ass. Instead he used the stall wall as a rubbing post for his turd-encrusted ass. The poor janitors had to spray down the wall and scrub with disinfectant.

I never looked at Pat the same way again. I would look at him and try to imagine how his arm could reach around his girth for a good wipe. I believe that it was a physical impossibility for him to wipe.

Let’s now move to an oldie but goody, the low tech but tried and true butt wand. Butt wands come in a large variety of styles, shapes sized and colors.

Called the Ample Sponge, these intrepid and robust bad boys are some of the earliest commercially available butt wands. This style butt wand was invented by NAAFA’s founder and owner of Ample Stuff the great Bill Fabrey. Bill had the correct vision for fat acceptance which was based on the accommodation of gluttony and obesity and not denial of its challenges.

Another contender in the growing but competitive butt wand market is the Bottom Buddy. Unlike the ample sponge, the Bottom Buddy uses standard toilet paper that can be easily inserted into the tulip shaped head.

Bottom Buddies come in all sizes. It’s too bad the late Billy Mays is not around to pitch these handy helpers in his famous infomercials. I can hear him now, “It’s not clean until it’s Bottom Buddy clean!”

A variation of the kid’s toy the Super Soaker, the battery powered portable bidet is a favorite of NAAFA fat girls and other fat girls from coast to coast. When you see a fat girl and you think her super sized purse is only for food and the food she takes from the all you can eat buffets, think again. The modern fat girl has given up the Zip Lock bag, sponge and bottle brush long ago and traded it in for the stylish and high tech portable bidet.

Toilet paper, salad tongs and a turkey baster are always a winning combination and can work anywhere. If you run out of battery power or there is a black out, a squirt or two with a turkey baster and a few wipes with T.P. (for your bung hole) wrapped around a set of salad tongs and you will good to go.

Due to mobility issues the crapper can be a foreboding place for many a fatling. That’s why many fatlings skip the toilet all together and head straight for the shower. Some will drop trough in the shower, scoop it up with a pooper scooper, toss it in the toilet and use the potable shower head to hose the poop out their nooks and crannies.

When it comes to the super super super obese the mystery is solved as to how they can wipe their massive butts that are for all intents and purposes a meaty massive flab tunnel in a perpetual state of collapse.

Shit eating dogs or SEDs can be trained to lick clean the butts of uber fatlings. Some people are of the mistaken belief that if you own a shit eating dog you’d only have to feed it once but this is myth. I’ve actually made an interesting observation that may help solve this tricky dilemma. Did you notice that many super super super morbidly people own small, well-trained light brown dogs? Think about it my friend, think about it…..

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That just about covers it. If any of our fatlings have other suggestions or comments please feel free to let us know your thoughts.

This has been a public service of NAFAM and Bigger Fatter Blog, the leader in fat acceptance.
Too fat? Arms too short? You tell me!

The End

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Paula Deen Weight Loss Sellout

Paula Deen Another Weight Loss Sellout

I don't know whether the oink angrily or oink sadly but America's butter Queen Paula Deen is downright skinny and as bad as that is it gets worse. Her husband Grover lost 60 pounds in order to avoid knee surgery – what a wimp! Sadly, it gets even worse both her sons have lost weight to deal with their health problems. This is a sad day for gluttons everywhere. Combined, Paula Deen's clan has lost a total of 174 pounds.


Her husband Grover lost the weight to avoid knee surgery. I guess all is cooking did not trump the pain of a damaged knee joint. The once plump Paula after being diagnosed with diabetes was at first it defiant and fatlings everywhere from but somebody got to her and set of taking drugs for diabetes Paula Deen decided to eat rabbit food and abandon her delicious Southern cooking.

Paula Deen joins a long list of BBW sellouts.

Aretha Franklin selfishly decided that breathing and singing were more important than her food. Shame on you Aretha.

Valerie Bertinelli is another weight loss sellout. She joins the ranks of people like Carrie Fisher, Al Roker, Kirstie Alley, Sharon Osbourne, Kelly Osbourne, Sarah Ferguson formerly the princes of pork but now princes of York, Jordan Sparks and so many others have disappointed those of us in the gluttony and fat acceptance movement.

See the source image
UPDATE: Valarie Bertanelli has been in full blimp mode since 2016

See the source image
Once HOT-------------------------- Now NOT

Once HOT-------------------------- Now NOT
See the source image
Kirstie Alley Once HOT----------------- Now NOT

HOT                                          NOT
See the source image

We still have Carnie Wilson. Even after two weight loss surgeries that included a gastric bypass and then gastric banding Carnie Wilson still defies the fat haters and she continues to blimp out. OINK OINK OINK.... YOU GO GIRL GLUTTON!

I never thought the Paula Deen butter Queen with sellout but I was equally shocked to find out that another sexy sow Ann Wilson from the Canadian rock band heart has also lost a tremendous amount of weight after having gastric band.


The only fat celebrity that we can really depend on these days is Oprah. Sure, Oprah will get fat and then not so fat and then fat in the not so fat and then fat and not so fat but we always know that like Carnie Wilson, Oprah will always remain a hefty hogs. The jury is still out on Rosie O'Donnell. Let's hope that her heart attack scare won't cause her to eat salad and get skinny. Rosie especially, will look horrible skinny with that great big melon head of hers.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Fat People Not As Smart?

A new study finds obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. Their brains look 16 years older than the brains of lean individuals, researchers said today.
Those classified as overweight have 4 percent less brain tissue and their brains appear to have aged prematurely by 8 years.
The results, based on brain scans of 94 people in their 70s, represent “severe brain degeneration,” said Paul Thompson, senior author of the study and a UCLA professor of neurology.
“That’s a big loss of tissue and it depletes your cognitive reserves, putting you at much greater risk of Alzheimer’s and other diseases that attack the brain,” said Thompson. “But you can greatly reduce your risk for Alzheimer’s, if you can eat healthily and keep your weight under control.”
The findings are detailed in the online edition of the journal Human Brain Mapping.
Obesity packs many negative health effects, including increased risk of heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, hypertension and some cancers. It’s also been shown to reduce sexual activity.
More than 300 million worldwide are now classified as obese, according to the World Health Organization. Another billion are overweight. The main cause, experts say: bad diet, including an increased reliance on highly processed foods.
Obese people had lost brain tissue in the frontal and temporal lobes, areas of the brain critical for planning and memory, and in the anterior cingulate gyrus (attention and executive functions), hippocampus (long-term memory) and basal ganglia (movement), the researchers said in a statement today. Overweight people showed brain loss in the basal ganglia, the corona radiata, white matter comprised of axons, and the parietal lobe (sensory lobe).
“The brains of obese people looked 16 years older than the brains of those who were lean, and in overweight people looked 8 years older,” Thompson said.
Obesity is measured by body mass index (BMI), defined as the weight in kilograms divided by the square of the height in meters. A BMI over 25 is defined as overweight, and a BMI of over 30 as obese.
The research was funded by the National Institute on Aging, National Institute of Biomedical Imaging and Bioengineering, National Center for Research Resources, and the American Heart Association.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Michael Moore Calls Out Obama

When it comes to famous political fat asses Michael Moore is on the top of the A-list for sure. What makes Michael Moore a special political figure is that he like fellow lardass Chris Christie tells is like it is. When it comes to many issues Obama's hands are surely tied by a bunch of scumbags in Congress but Obama has become a bit to insular with the people who elected him and the people he was elected to serve. Michael Moore calls him out on that in the following open letter.  Here is a excerpt:

ASK US TO DO SOMETHING. One thing is clear: none of the above is going to happen if you don't immediately mobilize the 63,500,000 who voted for you (and the other 40 million who are for you but didn't vote). You can't go this alone. You need an army of everyday Americans who will fight alongside you to make this a more just and peaceful nation. In your 2008 campaign, you were a pioneer in using social media to win the election. Over 15 million of us gave you our cell numbers or email addresses so you could send us texts and emails telling us what needed to be done to win the election. Then, as soon as you won, it was as if you hit the delete button. We never heard from you again. (Until this past year when you kept texting us to send you $25. Inspiring.) Whoever your internet and social media people were should have been given their own office in the West Wing – and we should have heard from you. Constantly. Need a bill passed? Text us and we will mobilize! The Republicans are filibustering? We can stop them! They won't approve your choice for Secretary of State? We'll see about that! You say you were a community organizer. Please – start acting like one.
The next four years can be one of those presidential terms that changed the course of America. I'm sure you will want to be judged on how you stood up for us, restored the middle class, ended the s***ting on the poor and made us a friend to the rest of the world instead of a threat. You can do this. We can do it with you. All that stands in the way is your understandable desire to sing "Kumbaya" with the Republicans. Don't waste your breath. Their professed love of America is negated by their profound hatred of you. Don't waste a minute on them. Fix the sad mess we're in. Go back and read this month's election results. We're with you.
P.S. President Obama – my cell number to text me at is 810-522-8398 and my email isMMFlint@MichaelMoore.com. I await my first assignment!
Even though the president did not win the fat vote there are still plenty of fatlings like the Chef, Belly Boy, Dr Bear and I who would work hard to move America in the right direction. We too await our assignment Mr President. 

Fat politicians tell it like it is. We found that out when Chris Christie dropped a flabbalanche of reality on the do nothing CONgress. As a fatling Christie knows on what side his bread is buttered and he knows how to get service!

Get on the stick Mr President and remember the immortal words of JFK.. "Ask not what your country can do for you as what you can do for your country." What else can we fatlings do for our country besides eat?

Monday, January 21, 2013

Fat WKBT News Anchor Jennifer Livingston Responds to Viewer Email

The following video is another example of a fat angry sow who refuses to embrace her gluttony. Jennifer Livingston actually took the time to respond to a critic who told her that being a fat slob and a greedy glutton has health consequences. Only an idiot would not admit that gluttony does have a myriad of health consequences but it's a good choice. Sure it shortens life spans but we maintain that it is not the quantity of life that's important but rather the quality. Jennifer Livingston missed a golden opportunity to show the world that gluttony is good. Her retort was typical of the angry and whiny fat girl. Her type of dishonesty and rhetoric makes it bad for fat people everywhere.

What Jennifer (Meat Facebook Page) Livingston should be saying on her face book page is that she is a glutton and proud of it. She should also be telling the world that she is going to make sure her children become little piggies like her and then she should've given a few good loud oink oink oinks.

Here a couple of brothas respond.

Let's be honest, fat girls are bad mothers and if you really want to piss off  fat girls point out to them the facts that show fat girls are bad mothers. It's quite clear that the email Jennifer received really struck a nerve with her. She knows that she's a bad mother but so what? Kids are overrated.

From a health point of view, obese women should not get pregnant. Being obese more than doubles the chance of serious birth defects. Before the land whale decides to get knocked up and squirt out a pup or two she needs to break away from her pod of other land whales and get to a safe and suitable body weight for childbirth and pregnancy.

When it comes to rearing children fatling parents should raise their kids as normalings and then allow the child to decide when he reaches a certain age like 16 whether they want to be part of the glorious gluttonous lifestyle. Kids should be allowed to make up their own minds when they become adults. Obesity and gluttony are not for everyone. The angry man hating fat girls of the old antiquated fat acceptance movement are prime examples of people who should not be fat. Jennifer Livingston is another angry fat girl who gives other true power chair riding sows who proudly display their diabetic amputations in the aisles of Walmart every day a bad name. Jennifer Livingston gives the pork beasts and land whales who frequent the all-you-can-eat buffets a bad name. Worse than that, Jennifer Livingston gives gluttony a bad name.

Jim Traficant For President

I have shown that the best presidents are also the status presidents. William Howard Taft was our best president. Teddy Roosevelt and Bill Clinton were also fat presidents in they were also among our best presidents.

Unfortunately former Ohio congressman Jim Traficant is not eligible to be the president because he was convicted of a felony. These charges were probably trumped up and the man did not get a fair trial. Some of the jurors who convicted Jim Traficant admit now that they were afraid not to vote to convict him. Do your own research on that.

I never realized how fat Jim Traficant had gotten nor did I know how much he loved food. In the above video we see the former Congressman chowing down on ice cream. I really like seeing that. Once Jim got his fill of ice cream he gave a very interesting interview. He went over a lot of things in this interview but what struck me was his tax plan. Traficant believes that a 25% national retail sales tax is the best and most fair way to tax everyone. He believes eliminating the IRS and income tax and repealing the 16th amemndment which states, "The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.. He says the 25% national retail sales tax will more than cover the needs of the government. He also believes that we should do away with the 16th amendment. Traficant believes that eliminating all corporate tax and all income tax will cause companies to move back to the United States and I think he has a point.

Some key points he made about 25% national sales tax are that it is a voluntary tax. He pointed out that 25% of the cost of everything we buy is to pay tax on it. He pointed out that corporations don't pay taxes regardless of the rate because they merely passive costs of taxation on the consumer. He accurately pointed out that illegal aliens are not paying any income tax but they will have to pay sales tax on the items they buy. He also made a point that tourists who come to the United States will be paying the sales tax. He believes that the prices of items manufactured in the US would come down because lower corporate taxes would mean lower production costs. He points out that the elimination of income tax would give Americans of all income levels more disposable income.

Traficant like many other politicians expressed his disgust with the current tax code saying that it was too complicated and that 10 accountants can prepare a businesses taxes and they will all come out with a different number. He believes that a 25% national sales tax would be constitutional, simple and fair.

Please take the time to watch this very entertaining and informative video of Mr. Traficant pontificating on the economy and other things. I don't know if the man is a crook but my gut is telling me that he isn't.

I would like to see Jim Traficant get a show on the news channels or start his own YouTube channel. I think he is too tightly wound to be effective in today's Congress. I got a feeling he might fly off the handle and choke the crap out of some lying mealy mouth politician. As much fun as it would be to watch it would not help the people. 

I will be doing more research and reporting on him. I have yet to form much of an opinion about the man so for now I will merely report on him and hope that my readers make up their own minds. The Chef has a saying, "never trust a skinny Chef" but I think you would agree that we should also never trust a skinny politician. Julius Caesar learned that lesson the hard way.

Marcus Antonius:
Let me have men about me that are fat,
Sleek-headed men and such as sleep a-nights.
Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look,
He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Lance Armstrong A Fat Hater

We all know that Lance Armstrong is a scumbag but we didn't know how big a scumbag he really was until the Oprah interview. I guess then it is no surprise that Armstrong is also a fat hater. The following is an excerpt from a Yahoo article:

"Good Lord, what a guy.
At one point Armstrong addressed Betsy Andreu, the wife of a former teammate Frankie Andreu, who testified that while lying in a hospital bed in 1996 Armstrong told his doctor that he had doped.
Over the years Lance and his henchman bullied and bruised Betsy relentlessly. They called her names. They tried to wipe her out. They, according to Betsy, blackballed her husband's career. She kept standing up and speaking out. There was even a voicemail from an Armstrong associate who said she hoped "somebody breaks a baseball bat over your head."
Lance knows he was terrible to Betsy so he said he called her the other day to begin making amends. You know for, among other things, calling her "crazy." He decided to tell Oprah about it, including what is apparently his idea of a sense of humor.
"I did call her crazy," he said. "I did. I did … I think she'd be OK with me saying this, I said, 'Listen, I called you crazy; I called you a bitch; I called you all of these things, but I never called you fat.' "
Then he smirked.
Now that's a novel way to gain forgiveness: make a fat joke about a woman on national television.
Needless to say, Betsy wasn't OK with him saying it.
"I guess we know why I was [a bitch] all these years, putting up with that," Betsy said on CNN on Thursday night after watching the clip. "How was I supposed to act? Sweet as apple pie? … That exchange right there, it has me furious."
Take a number Betsy.

Across the spectrum there is fury and regret. Mike Anderson, a former personal assistant who claims Lance tried to ruin him, avoided watching the interview. Then he inadvertently was exposed to a replayed segment while waiting to comment on CNN.
"I didn't want to hear his voice ever again," Anderson said.
Fellow riders say they wish they'd never hooked on with him. Support staff claim they wish they'd never taken a job. Sponsors are lining up to sue. Journalists who carried his water for years are writing they wish they'd never bought the lie."

Armstrong said the following about Betsy Andreu, " "I did call her crazy," he said. "I did. I did … I think she'd be OK with me saying this, I said, 'Listen, I called you crazy; I called you a bitch; I called you all of these things, but I never called you fat.' "

Let's think about this. He called her crazy. He called her a bitch and he even wanted someone to bash her skull with a baseball bat but in Armstrong's psychotic brain being fat is worse than being a crazy bitch who in his mind needs her skull cracked with a baseball bat. This is only a tiny piece of a fragment of the Armstrong story but I thought it was important to bring it up.

I have been critical of Oprah because she's a whiny fat girl but she handled Lance Armstrong masterfully. Kudos to Oprah.

What Will Happen to Armstrong Now?

My guess is NOTHING!

What Others Are Saying

He bullied, sued and tried to destroy people who told the truth about him, and he needs now to name all the people who helped him cheat, and together denied a fair chance and career to honest cyclists

Are you kidding me? People go to jail for selling a bit of marijuana. He, on the other hand, lied, cheated, perjured himself in a Federal Court, for over TEN years, as he made millions and millions of dollars (over 30 million dollars of American tax money from the Postal Service alone), he destroyed clean cyclists' careers who dared to tell the truth, he bribed officials and doctors, and now he'll be throwing his colleagues under the bus. What, do you want to give him another trophy? Unreal.

he is still the same arrogant cunt. he seems proud of what he has done. he should really just hang himself because he is a disgrace to all hard working people in this world.

He's only coming clean now because of the investigation and insurmountable evidence against him. If people hadn't started speaking up he'd have carried it with him to the grave, I'm sure.

Leave a comment.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Cenk Uygur of the Young Turks

Cenk Uygur is not just another political pundit. Unlike political pundits on the left but on the right Cenk sets himself apart from the pack simply by telling the truth. People like to characterize his views as liberal or progressive but if the political spectrum was what was in the 60s, 70s and 80s Cenk would be a moderate. It seems today to telling the truth and calling a liar a liar somehow makes one a liberal.

Earlier in life Cenk held what are considered conservative views. In fact in the 90s, he supported and voted for Republicans. By 2000 after seeing the hypocrisy of the Republican Party and its members he voted for Al Gore in 2000. He was logical enough to see that when it comes to most issues the Democrats are right and the Republicans are wrong. He saw Bill Clinton take a train wreck of an economy that he inherited from 12 years of Republican control and turn it into the longest sustained prosperity in the history of the United States.

You have to admire a man who can look at the facts and change his mind. Yet admire a man who doesn't hold his ideology with this zealotry a religious fanatic.

For a short time Cenk Uygur had a show on MSNBC and in spite of the fact that his show continued to rise in the ratings the suits, and I don't mean the Hart Schaffner Marx suits, I mean the Armani suits, and a tailor-made suits decided to take him off the air. Turns out that his honesty, integrity and hard-nosed style angered some of the criminal elite in Washington DC. Some piece of trash at MSNBC offered him a lot of money to take a less visible role on the corporate controlled prescription drug advertising whore of a network. They were afraid of what Cenk might say. They were afraid that he might tell the truth on members of the criminal elite so they tried to buy him. They threw a lot of money at him to stay but Cenk told them very nicely to go fark themselves.

Right now the only talking heads on MSNBC that I think is worth a shit are Ed Schultz and Chris Mathews. Pierce Morgan is mealymouthed, Lawrence O'Donnell is the same blowhard that Keith Olbermann was and Rachel Maddow is a bit too smug although she's not one to pull punches. Like Ed Schultz and Chris Matthews, Cenk is not afraid to call a punk a punk and a liar a liar. Like Ed Schultz, he doesn't mince words. If MSNBC wants to grow its audience they need to hire more honest and aggressive journalists and newsmen like Cenk. Cenk is a real guy who simply tells it like it is while offering an honest and fresh perspective.

I would urge my readers to subscribe to the Young Turks on you tube or follow him on Twitter. Or watch them on Current TV

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Bigger Fatter Politics Hits 1 MILLION Page Views

This is cause to celebrate. Currently this blog receives in excess of three quarters of 1 million page views per year. That number is growing and if this trend continues it will hit over 1 million views per year.

Millions of Americans and thousands of people around the world will visit this blog in the next two years to get fat centric view of politics.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Boycott Papa John's Pizza

UPDATE! John Schnatter is a full blown racist scum bag corporate gangster! This fucker who poses as an Italian needs a visit from the Mafia. Boycott his pizza not only because he's racist slime and he fucks his employees, boycott this shit head because Papa John's pizza SUCKS! Frozen pizza are much much better. Try Scream Sicilian Pizza. What Schnatter needs is a bunch of angry screaming Sicilians putting a black hand on the side of his face and his balls in spaghetti sauce.

Papa John’s claim that NFL protests are hurting pizza ...

Buy your pizza from a place where working class people are not used as political pawns.
Papa John's CEO says employees may lose hours to pay for Obamacare
John Schnatter says Obamacare will increase price of pizza 10-14 cents.
Actually, it's 3.4-4.6 cents, according to Forbes
Papa John's Facing $250 Million Text Message Spam Lawsuit
Koch-funded FreedomWorks:
Stand with Papa John's
(screw the workers)
Politics with your pizza?
John Schnatter: You can keep your politics AND you can keep your pizza. We want neither.
"Papa John" is living large in his $600 million castle!
This phony bastard tries to look Italian

Papa John's Castle
John Schnatter’s 40,000 square foot castle is located in a wealthy country club suburb of Louisville, Kentucky. The property is spread out over a 16 acre estate and as Romney mentioned, features several swimming pools, a private lake and a golf course. The guest house alone is 6000 square feet and is valued at over $7 million according to Zillow.com! Another interesting feature is the 22 car multi-level underground garage which has its very own “valet office”, car wash and a gigantic motorized turn table-driveway to help park stretch limousines. (CelebrityNetWorth.com)
Other places to avoid:
Boycott this Florida Denny's
Boycott Koch Brothers
Olive Garden and Red Lobster

Related: Republican Senator deep throats Papa John's sausage and takes pepperoni in the ass.


More Bad News For Papa Johns!

(NEWSER) – One large pepperoni, a text-message scandal, and a boycott on the side, please. Papa John's is in the middle of a big mess on two fronts, one in court and one in the media. Here's a look at both: LINK
  • Papa John's is in the midst of a drawn-out $250 million class-action lawsuit for allegedly sending millions of unsolicited texts to customers back in 2010. Some plaintiffs allege that they received as many as 16 texts in a row, sometimes in the middle of the night, reportsCNN. They're suing for $500 per text, but could end up getting triple that pending the jury's decision.
  • Meanwhile, Papa John's CEO John Schnatter is under fire after saying last week that, in the wake of Obama's win, franchise owners may opt to cut shifts for full-time employees to less than 30 hours per week to avoid having to offer them health benefits, as per ObamaCare, reports Kentucky's Courier-Journal.
  • It didn't take long for reactions to start pouring in, with calls for a boycott of the pizza franchise. A Facebook Page for the protest already has more than 1,500 likes, and a Reddit post about the matter has garnered more than 4,000 comments.
  • Caleb Melby, writing for Forbes, took a look at the math behind Schnatter's claims that ObamaCare will force him to hike pie prices by 10 to 14 cents. That math might work out if you only look at large pizza sales, but on average, he figures the increase should only be 3.4 to 4.6 cents a pie.
  • On last night's Daily Show, Jon Stewart also did some (hasty) math, and figures that to offset health-care costs (which Schnatter estimates at $8 million), Papa John's needs to sell another million or so pizzas. That should be easy, he says, since the company once ran a promo advertising 2 million free pizzas. He advises Schnatter to instead “take all the millions you donated for partisan political purposes and pump it back" into health-care advances that could be good for business.
  • Not everyone is hating on Papa John's, however. More than 14,000 Facebook users have RSVPed to aNational Papa John's Appreciation Day for this Friday, started by a group called Reboot USA, which compares it to the Chick-fil-A frenzy back in August. Supporters are urged to buy an extra pizza and donate it to someone in need.

That "better ingredients, better pizza" mantra might work in the boonies, but when there's actual pizza nearby, you're exposed.  And it's not like they have to compete with NYC pizza here.  Garbage ingredients, garbage pizza.  Service with a smile?  No dice!  Requests for extra sauce results in nearly no sauce.  The crust has more flavor than the cheese.  The condiments... BEST ingredients?  Are you out of your mind?  Bland and processed, at best.  If you're in the area and need pizza, try Dagwood's or Earth, Wind & Flour, or nearly anything else (except Dominoes and Pizza Hut).

(As a side note, why are all of the national garbage chains (Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, Dominoes) run by hard line right wingers?  I'm not attacking their politics, I just want to know what conservative mindsets and crap pizza have in common...)


I'll make this brief:

I found a dead (cooked) spider in my pizza.  I called to complain.  They prepared to send me a new pizza.

"No, I don't want a new pizza.  I'm trying not to throw up here.  I just want to tell you this so you clean up your ovens and your kitchen."

I will never order from here again.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat Papa John's pizza again.

Papa Johns Can Make you DEATHLY ILL!

UPDATE! I Fat Bastardo have eaten a lot of pizza including Papa Johns. Papa Johns is the worst. Fatlings like to get the most bang for the buck and ordering delivery pizza is not cost effective. I have eaten every frozen pizza and everyone of them is far superior to Papa Johns and they cost less. By the time a pizza delivered you can bake and be eating a frozen pizza.

Tombstone pizzas are fat guy approved!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Al Roker Pooped His Pants At White House

It has recently been revealed that the once roly-poly celebrity and weatherman Al Roker crapped his pants at the White House in 2002. Al Roker or the Roque as he's referred to by his fans claims to have accidentally pinched a loaf in his boxers while visiting Pres. George W. Bush in 2002. The Roque blames gastric bypass surgery for causing an inability to control his bowels and of course that is a reasonable explanation because many people who get gastric bypass surgery are unable to control their bowel function. Then again, it could simply have been a very large wet fart.

Here Al Roker is queefing a fart!

"And I probably went off and ate something I wasn't supposed to. And as I'm walking to the press room … I gotta pass a little gas here. I'm walking by myself. Who's gonna know? Only a little something extra came out," - Al Roker-

I don't know the Roque's political stripe nor do I know about the stripes in his BVD's but another explanation could be that he was sending a message to President Bush. There are a lot of people who would like to leave former President Bush and his criminal vice president Dick Cheney a big smelly turd and with the incomplete digestion caused by ghastly bypass surgery that renders those BMs are most foul the wisecracking weatherman may have been sending President Bush a not-so-subtle message.

Perhaps the wily weatherman Al Rocher wanted to make a stink at the White House to send a message to Bush in protest of the invasion of Iraq and to show the Bush regime the inhumanity of biological and chemical weapons. Since most gastric bypass patients wear adult diapers I find it a bit suspicious that a man as smart as the Roque would not be wearing a Depends diaper. Logical truth of this is quite clear; Al Roker was sending the White House a message.

I can't finish this article without asking the question who's better the rotund Al Roker or the skinny and emaciated Al Roker. I will not offer an opinion on this, but instead I will let my readers decide.


Our Internet reporter, Rotunda Hindenburg filed a freedom of information request under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) and forced Secret Service to turn over this photo of Al Roker's poop. Big Al was not honest when he said that the mess in his pants was a result of a rogue fart.



What ended up in the newsman's pants was an extremely large stool that clearly could've been a threat to the President's safety and national security. We will work diligently to discover why this incident has been spun and played down. Not only do I smell turd I also smell a cover-up so I've contacted Alex Jones from Prison Planet and he has agreed to sniff around and get the poop on the poop.

Alex Jones, "You can't sweep something this big under the rug and closing the lid on something like this will not make it go away. Sources tell me that this is a mutant stool created by secret underground government lab in Flushing New York."

More on Fecal Gate  Fecal Gate begs bigger questions

By John Commode and Jean Papier

Sometimes, you just have to use your hand. Give it a good shake, and do what you think is right. You're allowed to stink, even if you're a Washington DC reporter. In fact, it's encouraged. And just because your job description doesn't say you should report the fact that  rectal sewage gushes into the Main Stream Media every day because a mammoth stool caused your ass  to jam, you probably should anyway.

It seems Fecal Gate may  be a case of covering up a controversy after all, though apparently it's too soon to say so definitively. 

Thankfully there are independent news sources like Bigger Fatter Politics were not afraid to venture into the putrid muck and report on the politics of the day. The mainstream media will try to polish this turd but with journalists like Fat Bastard of the award-winning bigger fatter politics and scatology experts like Alex Jones from Prison Planet shady government figures will be held accountable from the White House to the outhouse. 

Deadly dung or benign BM?