How Us Fatlings “Reach Back There” by Fat Bastard
RELATED: CLICK HERE TO WIPE YOUR ASS ON BEN CARSON
It is no secret that many of us fatlings have trouble reaching our butts when we need to wipe but thankfully that will not put most gluttons off their feed. If hygienic toileting is important to you then read on and you will find some valuable tips and tricks for making your trips to the brownie bowel more of a joy and less of a chore.
A good report is only as good as its research so I went to the leading authority on all things poop, The Poop Report. Just like Bigger Fatter Blog is the leading source for all things fat, the folks at The Poop Report are the leading authorities on all things poop. Let’s start with the most obvious question. “How do obese people wipe?” Most people know how Criss Angel walks on water but only fatlings know how fat butts get wiped but even most fatlings do not know all the methods of obese rectal hygiene.
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Some fatlings (jealous fat girls of the old fat acceptance) bristle at the very idea of discussing the challenges we fatling face when it’s time to do the paper work. Dropping a bowl filler can be satisfying but no job is finished until the paperwork is done.
A curious thinling asked the follow question on The Poop Report.
“Dear Poop Report,
How do obese people wipe? I am not trying to be rude…just curious. Also, do they make toilets for people over 300 pounds?”
I, Fat Bastard will answer the second question first. YES!
 |
| ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO ECHO |
Many manufactures are making super sized toilets to accommodate the larger butts, heavier weights and the greater fecal volume of fatlings. The Cadillac of super sized toilets is the Great John. This bad boy is so big that it will double as a kiddie pool.
Here is how a jealous fat girl in denial responded to the thinling’s question:
Dee (not verified) —
Fuck you asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 550 pounds and I resent your question. Where do you live? I will come over and sit on your face and shit, and then you can lick my ass clean!!!
A poop expert replied:
Tydirium
Judging from that fat girl’s tone of voice, it sounds to me like she has a lot of trouble wiping. Hence the irritability.
Let’s start with a novel and creative way many fatlings use for wiping their butts in a pubic restroom. Once again the Poop Report provides a wonderful almost zoological report on one clever fatling who uses a men’s room stall like a rubbing post much like a bear uses a tree to leave his scent.
Here is a excerpt from a Poop Report undercover investigation of the fatling who used the stall and a rubbing post.
In talking to the janitors that cleaned the bathrooms at night, I learned that their nickname for Pat was “The Shitter”. You see, Pat was apparently too large to wipe his own ass. Instead he used the stall wall as a rubbing post for his turd-encrusted ass. The poor janitors had to spray down the wall and scrub with disinfectant.
I never looked at Pat the same way again. I would look at him and try to imagine how his arm could reach around his girth for a good wipe. I believe that it was a physical impossibility for him to wipe.
Let’s now move to an oldie but goody, the low tech but tried and true butt wand. Butt wands come in a large variety of styles, shapes sized and colors.
Called the Ample Sponge, these intrepid and robust bad boys are some of the earliest commercially available butt wands. This style butt wand was invented by NAAFA’s founder and owner of Ample Stuff the great Bill Fabrey. Bill had the correct vision for fat acceptance which was based on the accommodation of gluttony and obesity and not denial of its challenges.
Another contender in the growing but competitive butt wand market is the Bottom Buddy. Unlike the ample sponge, the Bottom Buddy uses standard toilet paper that can be easily inserted into the tulip shaped head.
Bottom Buddies come in all sizes. It’s too bad the late Billy Mays is not around to pitch these handy helpers in his famous infomercials. I can hear him now, “It’s not clean until it’s Bottom Buddy clean!”
A variation of the kid’s toy the Super Soaker, the battery powered portable bidet is a favorite of NAAFA fat girls and other fat girls from coast to coast. When you see a fat girl and you think her super sized purse is only for food and the food she takes from the all you can eat buffets, think again. The modern fat girl has given up the Zip Lock bag, sponge and bottle brush long ago and traded it in for the stylish and high tech portable bidet.
Toilet paper, salad tongs and a turkey baster are always a winning combination and can work anywhere. If you run out of battery power or there is a black out, a squirt or two with a turkey baster and a few wipes with T.P. (for your bung hole) wrapped around a set of salad tongs and you will good to go.
Due to mobility issues the crapper can be a foreboding place for many a fatling. That’s why many fatlings skip the toilet all together and head straight for the shower. Some will drop trough in the shower, scoop it up with a pooper scooper, toss it in the toilet and use the potable shower head to hose the poop out their nooks and crannies.
When it comes to the super super super obese the mystery is solved as to how they can wipe their massive butts that are for all intents and purposes a meaty massive flab tunnel in a perpetual state of collapse.
Shit eating dogs or SEDs can be trained to lick clean the butts of uber fatlings. Some people are of the mistaken belief that if you own a shit eating dog you’d only have to feed it once but this is myth. I’ve actually made an interesting observation that may help solve this tricky dilemma. Did you notice that many super super super morbidly people own small, well-trained light brown dogs? Think about it my friend, think about it…..
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That just about covers it. If any of our fatlings have other suggestions or comments please feel free to let us know your thoughts.
This has been a public service of NAFAM and Bigger Fatter Blog, the leader in fat acceptance.
Too fat? Arms too short? You tell me!
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Thin Shaming vs Fat Shaming Click Here to see what is worse
ReplyDeleteFatties cry foul when people point out the truth of obesity. Fatties call it fat shaming.
Well, I always figured that the fat asses of the world used something akin to a base drum timpani stick wrapped with toilet paper. I figured that was why so man base drummers were themselves fat asses. The truth is not much different. I guess a big wooden spoon like the ones they lick the cake batter off of) would do in a pinch.
ReplyDeleteI think that the butt wand is based on the bass drum mallet.
ReplyDeleteEven with a butt wand your average fatty can't get all the nooks and crannies poop free.
DeleteThis blog is totally ridiculous and wrong. I can say that because I am one of those "fatlings". I weigh 400lbs with short arms and I don't need anything but my hand and a few baby wipes to clean my bottom with no problem what so ever. I don't need butt wands or dogs or even the shower that you speak of. I'm not even gonna give the joy on how I do it either but its as easy as a skinny person doing it. So don't write about things you know nothing about. Just like sex too, I have sex all the time, probably more than the average skinny person. Just because we are larger than the average person doesn't mean we can't do it too.
DeleteThere is no fucking way that a 400 pounder can wipe his or her butt without some sort of aid. It is not anatomically possible.
DeleteI'm 270lbs, and I purposely looked up this this topic cuz I recently went from 230 to 270 in a couple months due to medication change and I'm having trouble reaching and grossed out by my underwear looking like a man's cuz of Shit streaks. Fyi... I don't have short arms
DeleteLots of fatlings use bidets to clean their butts. Most obese people can't get clean simply by wiping.
Delete@Former Fatty I'm 400 and I can, it's a pain in the ass, but I can. I was a gymnast in my youth, to be fair though. So I can contort past normality, but nothing like a real contortionist.
DeleteClick Here and Read How Dr Oz Redeemed Himself
ReplyDeleteI feel fat people grossly overweight should be rounded up and put in a resort type area with guards and electric fences. Then fed a healthy diet of 2,000 calories. If the y have not lost half their weight in a year, they are executed by firing squad. I'm tired of seeing fat people eating at the all you can eat buffet. Got er done!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteFat people are good for the economy. Fat people's obesogenic maladies infuse money into heath care and that creates jobs and in the long term because they die sooner they actually cost the health care system less. Also fat people at least 85% of the food ans if every fatling got skinny the fast food and junk food industries would collapse.
DeleteGluttony is the American way and since we have free speech everyone has a the right to ridicule gluttony and gluttons.
DeleteHODOR
DeleteCalm down Unknown and eat some pie.
DeleteI see the fat girl in denial post is on here.
ReplyDeleteHODOR
ReplyDeleteListen I'm a heavy guy but I carry myself like I'm not. I take showers daily I walk daily I eat right as of this year. I worked out even being big so I didn't have the problems fat people complain about. You can be big and not have issues to complain about. It's the one thing I hate about being fat. Most of the fat people that bitch and say oh you're fat shaming are to lazy to actually do anything about it. I'm almost 400lbs but I can run I can lift I can clean I can move and still not be out of breath not be hurting after. Suck it up and work on yourself you got you this way work it out. I'm losing weight dieting and helping myself I'm that one fat guy bettering themswlves because I hate my weight I don't bitch about my weight.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I don't get this whole thing. Is this supposed to be a joke making fun of fat people or is it here to truly help people who either have this issue, or are curious about it? Well, for the purpose of this reply I am going to give it the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is legit despite the childish and ridiculously bating verbal vomit in the comment section. I am a woman who was normal sized my entire life until a medical condition left me bed-ridden (for the most part. I DO get up to use the bathroom and shower, and can just barely get out of the house to go to the doctors, but that's it) I also happen to have an underactive thyroid that is very stubborn when it comes to medication. So, the combination of these things has led me to my current weight which is around 300 lbs. Unfortunately, once I pass around 280 lbs is when I start to have difficulty reaching my butt. So far the only solution I could come up with for this dilemma was to get in the shower AFTER USING THE TOILET and using the hand wand to spray the appropriate areas. (I have NO idea why anyone would choose to go to the bathroom in the actual shower and scoop it out when they can just as easily step from the toilet to the shower...) Anyway, I don't like this option and was curious what other people in my predicament do. I would have been curious to know how well each of the devices above work and maybe which is the best solution.
ReplyDeleteGloria you fat pig... OINK! OK, now that I am speaking you language fat girl, How's that chronic yeast infection from all the fecal matter that migrates into your cunt from the dingle berries on your asshole?
ReplyDeleteDo you put you kids in that bathtub after you have douched your turd encrusted asshole. NEWS FLASH! BATHTUBS ARE FOR BATHING AND TOILETS ARE FOR SHITING AND PISSING.
Kelly, it is not fair that gluttonous fat people are gobbling up all the food and medical resources.
ReplyDeleteI ridicule gluttons until they admit that they are gluttons OINK!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletelol people pay for there own food and medicine mostly. i hope your nicer to people you meet in real life because no one deserved to be insulted for how they look.
ReplyDeleteMost fatlings are on disability because of their selfish and shameful choices and behavior. It is not about how you fatlings look but rather about you fatlings behave. The costs of obesity/gluttony are bankrupting the healthcare system.
ReplyDeleteThinlings behave responsible when it comes to their lifestyles whereas the fatlings are gluttonous and slothful. You are lying when you say fatlings pay for their health care. Insurance pays for health care and fatlings pay the same in premiums as thinlings but the fatlings are using more than double in health care than what the thinglings use. OINK!
@ Kelly Miller,
ReplyDeleteFat Bastardo is right. Fat people are a drain on society. You CHOOSE to eat like a pig because your sinful lust for food is stronger than your sense of personal and social responsibility. Fat people also are stinky.
fuck off with your excuses for why your a cunt, none of it applies to how mean you were to Gloria who was asking about a real problem. you bullied an adult woman who was naive about the internet enough to think your article wasn't just making fun of fat people. its obvious this blog and hating on fat people is a really big part of your life and that's unfortunate. not that i really have a right to tell you to stop but do you know how much worse I and many others would get bullied at school if someone read your article and realises that its impossible to wipe like a regular person? @anonymous i am late to school EVERY day because i spend so long in the shower washing my whole body and use anti antiperspirant in literally every place where i sweat, so fuck you i probably smell better than you with 3x the effort.
ReplyDeleteI must say that a lot of these comments and responses are pretty rude and uncalled for. The blanket stereotypical statements being thrown around here about fat people and bathroom hygiene are pretty mean, and don't even get me started about the whole fat people on disability fallacy. Not ALL fat people smell nor do they ALL have difficulty wiping their butts. That being said, you are forgetting the fatties who have actual physical help in the bathroom. My wife is one such individual. I've been helping her in the bathroom for many years. I started doing it when she was pregnant with the first of our 2 children and I 've been doing it ever since. It's not that I have some kind of poop fetish, it's just that it makes for a much happier and and above all healthier wife. Having poop encrusted on your crack is not only smelly and gross but it is uncomfortable and unhealthy as well. The bacteria in a person's feces can spread to a woman's vagina causing chronic yeast infections and it can also damage the sensitive skin around a woman's anus and labia which can cause severe pain,infections and other assorted health issues. My wife also has all the other tools that are necessary to keep her gorgeous huge bottom clean and smelling fresh at all times. Being that she is A very sucesdful SSBBW web model, her livelihood depends on her being attractive and clean looking. Having a shitty crack would just be unacceptable and bad for budiness.
ReplyDeleteLoveembig, You are a gluttony and obesity enabler. Sounds to me like you settled for a fat girl.
DeleteFat people are getting on disability at alarming rates simply because they are TOO fat to work. I say lock them up and restrict their food.
Fat people are stinky. I stopped shopping at Walmart because the stench from fatties. Fat women are the stinkiest.
I am fat and cant wipe my own ass how sick is that. People arnt fat shaming they are telling the truth. Gotta keep my big mouth shut instead of eating anytime I feel like it. There should be a law against being so fat.
ReplyDeleteOINKING IN THE AFFIRMATIVE! OINK!!!
DeleteThat will vary on their unique anatomy. If the arms are too short to wipe, then they'll definitely need a butt wiper from comfortfox.com
ReplyDeleteNormally I don't allow spam but butt wipers are funny.
DeleteWell this is really funny for me supplements world
ReplyDelete