Who were America's greatest presidents ever. Some may say it was that skinny bean pole Abraham Lincoln but Lincoln cut down that cherry tree and that meant less cherry pies. Obama is also a bean pole and while he dragged the world out of a massive recession, killed countless terrorists and reformed health care slightly the jury is still out on him.
History has shown that our greatest presidents have been fat with the greatest president William Howard Taft, followed by William Jefferson Clinton and finally Teddy Roosevelt.
Let's start with the greatest and the fattest president William Howard Taft.
Here are some facts about Taft: he weighed 330 lbs. This was in stark contrast to Teddy Roosevelt, who was very physically fat and fit. One year, he received for Christmas a 50 lb. mince meat pie and a 26 lb. opossum from Georgia, which was said to be the largest ever shot in the state.
Some historians suggest that he wasn't re-elected because of this negative public image, which was not helped by the fact that he was seemingly always out golfing with business leaders but I believe that People who looked past all of this realized that during his four years in office, he busted twice as many trusts and chair as Teddy Roosevelt had in eight years in office. He was a much better president than Clinton or Teddy Roosevelt. Not only was he a better it was because Roosevelt stepped in and formed a rival party called the Bull Moose Party allowing Democrat Woodrow Wilson to win. trust buster than TR he also busted more furniture and once got stuck in a bathtub so they created a super sized bathtub just for him. While Bill Clinton was busting a nut in Monica Lewinski's pretty mouth William Howard Taft was busting greedy corporations. Taft was a true progressive,
Following Roosevelt into office, Taft continued to enforce antitrust laws. He was key in bringing down the Standard Oil Company in 1911. Also during Taft's term in office, the sixteenth amendment was passed that allowed the U.S. to collect income taxes.
Taft was more loved than Reagan. "Justice Brewer of the Supreme Court said that 'Taft is the politest man in Washington; the other day he gave up his seat in a street-car to three ladies.'"
After Taft lost the election of 1912, Yale University sent a man to the White House to suggest that Taft accept a Chair of Law at the University. Taft replied that a Chair would not be adequate, but that if the University would provide a Sofa of Law, "it might be all right'.
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| Bill Best When Big Bawdy and Bulbous! |
William Jefferson Clinton aka Bill Bubba Clinton (AKA the BIG DOG!)
Growing up poor, self made man Bill Clinton had to budget for food. This is why he was able to balance the the budget and create surplus while paying down the debt and growing the economy. As the economy grew so did Clinton which showed everyone that he was on the right track.
| Monica Lewinsky didn't get those lips from sucking door knobs sideways! |
Like all fat guys Bill knew this. You can beat a drum, you can beat an egg and you can beat your wife (Hillary could kick his fat boy ass) but you can't beat a blow job.
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| Teddy Roosevelt Shouting BELLY! |
Many people are confused. They think that TR was constantly shouting BULLY but in reality he was saying BELLY!
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| When not trust busting these belly bustling bubbas brandished their big bellies! |
Sadly my presidential hopeful Chris "Krispy Kreme" Christie has committed political suicide, obviously the result of his foolhardy bariatric surgery. Clearly Christie got some bad advice from a political adviser. 75% of Americans are fat... DUH... He was guaranteed a landslide victory! Then he got that rare fat boy jealousy and started throwing his weight around thought he could get away with fucking with the Fort Lee mayor. This was clearly the result of surgery induced ketogenic psychosis.
Christie's other mistake was similar to Julius Caesar's fatal error of surrounding himself with skinny men with the lean and hungry look.
Enter the beloved Rob Ford. People love fat guys. People loved Chris Farley, John Belushi, Rodney Dangerfield, John Candy, Pavarroti, Luther Vandross, Sam Kinison. Rob Ford is a crack smoking, boozing, whoring big fat son of a bitch and everybody loves him and in spite of his gluttony, drugging and whoring he was still on of the best mayors in the world.
People are forgiving. A good fat boy mia culpa will square things with the American people. What was so bad about the little prank you pulled on Fort Lee? Bill Clinton did a lot worse things than that. He signed the repeal of Glass Steagal and was shameless glutton and whore fucker and people still love him. Bush on the other hand was a chicken hawk, AWOL coke snorting alcoholic and probably still is but people hate him. If G. W. would just get fat and forget about his vanity the brain dead American people would love him.
Go on a binge Governor Christie. Get that fucking Lap-Band removed and party down. Get high with Rob Ford, smoke a Fatty with Snoop, bust some rhymes and EAT!
Boom Shakka Lakka Bring me more food
Boom Shakka Lakka Roll me a fatty
East coast Governator be your pimp daddy.
Boom Shakka Lakka I can barely walk
Put me in my scooter this Nigga can I talk
Boom Shakka Lakka I be gettin bigga
East coast governor I be one fly Nigga
Pimpin them corporate hoes nationwide.
Boom Shakka Lakka rollin to the fridge
Fuck with me Nigga and I'll shut down EVERY bridge
President is chill no baby mamma drama.
Word to ISIS from the USA.
Fuck with us Niggas I blow your ass away.
Christie shouts to the crowd, "Give it up for my Nigga Rob Ford." Ford waddles onto the stage and he can Christie belly bump and the crowd goes wild. Ford and Christie share a super sized Bob Marley fattie rolled with the finest BC Hydro. They waddle of the stage and head to the limo.
FATLING CRISIS! FATLING CRISIS!! I REPEAT, THERE IS A FATLING CRISIS!!!
ReplyDeleteEveryone, put down your Doritos for a minute and pay attention to me for a minute. Now I didn't think I'd live long enough to see this day (mainly because my arteries are so clogged you could barely thread a needle through them), but something terrible has happened.
Hostess, the manufacturer that assembles Twinkies, is DECLARING BANKRUPTCY!!
How could this HAPPEN? I eat Twinkies all the time, and I must have been propping up the company for some time just on my own. But this is a fat emergency - if ever there was a company that needed a bailout, this would be it.
BELLY BOY
Belly Boy this is one more reason you need to be president. Obviously Hostess needs a bailout. What is more American than a Hostess Twinkie? I tried hoarding them but I ended up eating them all. Proud FA has horded some and he is asking a fortune. Now they are worth a fortune. Come to think of it they look like gold...soft chewy oooeee yummy gold.
ReplyDeleteRon Paul wants to go back to the gold standard but as president you would put us on the Twinkie standard.
There are generic Twinkies but they don't come close. I refuse to eat imported Chinese Twinkies! They will probably contain lead paint and fly ash.
I see food riots and Twinkie wars. I have always kept a stash of Twinkies and Hostess cup cakes.
As president Belly Boy, how would you handle this crisis. I know you would eat but what would you do after that?
One of the reasons Twinkies can be used as currency is that like gold, Twinkies are incapable of being eaten by bacteria, so they don't rot. I like mine with some marshmallow fluff; I make a sandwich out of them. I've even had my butler blend a few together and make a Twinkie Shake, which is delightful.
ReplyDeleteI predict that the price of Twinkies will reach about $400 by the end of the year, if Hostess's twinkie factory shuts down. Prices will increase to about $5 each, and hold steady as hoarders cash in. However, during the NAAFA convention this year, there will be a spike in demand that will cause a supply shock and send prices skyrocketing.
Chinese Twinkies are okay, they're not as good as American ones though. The Chinese ones have lots of steroids and extra chemicals in them, so in that respect they are superior, but I like the American ones better because they have better flavor. I am all about flavor.
So here is how I, Belly Boy, would handle this crisis as Commander in Beef. I would swoop in and buy out the company, making it a government company. I would ramp up production after investing in modernization equipment and new factories to increase our capacity. I'd start issuing twinkles to all schools, forcing them to purchase the twinkles or else lose federal funds. I would also have the FDA reclassify Twinkies as fruit, because they use lots of food coloring derived from plant sources. This would eliminate the biggest threat to American education: classroom hunger. Kids can't learn when they're hungry. Twinkies solve hunger by releasing what are known as "calories", which defeat hunger and enable you to power through your day.
Now me, I like to finish off each day with a surplus of calories, in case I need them later. See, I'm saving up my calories in case I need them, because I'm a planner. Skinny people live in the moment, but gluttons are long-term planners, saving our calories in case a famine comes, so that we can weather the storm and then repopulate the world after all the skinny people are dead.
So back to the crisis. I would also start exporting more twinkles, spreading American culture. I would make all tax returns refundable in Twinkies, as part of my plan to switch to a twinkie based economy. We'd save money on taxes by paying people in Twinkies, since the gov't could keep the extra money and use it to make more twinkies. I would then have my Asian girlfriend beat me off and then take a dump, and then have a nice relaxing nap. My butler can wipe me down in the morning.
Brilliant! This is the kind of decisive leadership America needs. You sir have turned a problem into an opportunity. You are indeed a visionary. OINK!
ReplyDeletewilliam taft is a fatass
ReplyDeletehow could someone be so fat
ReplyDeletehe's the fattest person i've ever seen
ReplyDeletewilliam taft is a fatso
ReplyDeleteboing boing
ReplyDeletehis belly could be a trampoline
ReplyDeletehe ccould suffocate someone with his big belly
ReplyDeleteoink
ReplyDeletehe probably did
ReplyDeleteActually his belly was probably like a big shock absorber,
ReplyDeleteCompared to people today Taft is a toothpick!
ReplyDeleteThrough gluttony!
ReplyDeleteOINK!
ReplyDelete